Glenn Beck tries to ruin Christmas

I wish this was some sort of a joke, but Glenn Beck really has a picture book for children, based on a novel he wrote a few years ago. I'm guessing it's some hoary chestnut set a long time ago in an idyllic place that never really existed outside of Glenn Beck's whitebread fantasies.

He and one of his radio lackeys talked about it when it came out, so I'm going to go semi-FJM on them. Join me, won't you?

GLENN: Yes, it's Indoctrination Tuesday where we can indoctrinate...actually this is more like a vaccine. That's what this show is. More of a vaccine so you are not indoctrinated.

A vaccine against what? Truth? Reason? Basic human compassion? Thanks, Glenn, you fucking stain with a voice.

PAT: It's a little bit of an indoctrination so that you've got that indoctrination in your system, you can find out the other indoctrination.

Thanks for the clarification, Glenn Beck's hired toady. Don't you have some coffee to fetch, piss boy?

GLENN: It's actually, it's out in bookstores today. It's a brand new book, The Christmas Sweater. It is the picture book for kids.

"If there's a dollar out there I can get my greasy cock-grabbers on, it's as good as mine."

PAT: The illustration is unbelievable. Absolutely world class.

Now I'm pretty sure Pat has a house full of Thomas Kinkade paintings.

GLENN: It is really really great. It kind of reminds me of my childhood in the 1960s and the 1970s.

"There was this gimpy cripple kid named Stevie. One time I pushed him down a flight of steps at school. Little bastard crapped his pants. Oh, the memories."

Pat: Yeah.

Way to contribute, Pat.

GLENN: And it's just a great story. It is the story of the Christmas Sweater without all the really freaky sad parts.

Wait, there were "freaky sad parts" in the original novel? Did they involve a terminally ill mime who likes yogurt up his ass? Because that would be freaky AND sad.

GLENN: And it's a story about how kids don't always get what they want for Christmas.

Like the kid who wants his sick mother to be able to afford the medicine that keeps her alive. Oh, that's probably a bad example, huh Glenn?

Glenn: Indoctrinate your kids from an early, early age on the real meaning of Christmas. It ain't the toys, it ain't the stuff. It is the magic and the love of the holiday season.

"Am I giving my magical book away for free? Fuck and No."

PAT: And this way you don't need a needle and you don't need to shoot anything up their nose.

Finally, Pat starts earning his right-wing radio keep by saying something retarded!

Look for other right-wing Christmas books this holiday season, including:

Rudolph the Supply-Side Reindeer

Frosty the Snowman Presents Global Warming, My Ass!

Santa Claus Smites All the Gays

Rush Limbaugh's Exclusively White Christmas

Things I've learned from movies

You can learn things from watching movies; at least that's the premise of this lame blog post. Here are some things I've learned. You know, from watching movies.

American Beauty

If you ever spurn the until recently repressed homosexual advances of a homicidally violent ex-Marine, it's a good idea to lock your doors.

The Godfather

Go ahead and kill a prostitute; it'll be as if she never existed.

Pretty Woman

If you kill a prostitute, you'll have to answer to Hector Elzondo and the staff of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel!

Independence Day

Bill Pullman sucks.

She's All That

The only things separating the school outcast from the prom queen are a pair of contacts and a makeover from Anna Paquin.

The Phantom Menace

For this film to have been made, there is obviously no God.

The Last Kiss

Zack Braff really really sucks, as in "Makes Bill Pullman look like Deniro in his prime" sucks.

Rain Man

It's very entertaining to watch an actor play a character of limited intelligence. And Dustin Hoffman was good, too.

Return of the Jedi

As long as you do ONE good thing right before you die, your years of genocidal warmongering will be forgiven.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Nazis are lousy shots.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Chicago-area principals have way too much free time. And are later arrested for collecting child pornography.

Regarding Henry

If you're a cold-hearted, ruthless, unethical lawyer, getting shot in the head will be the best thing that ever happens to you. The bullet will blow that douchiness right out of your frontal lobes, making you everyone's favorite slow-witted sweetheart.

Batman and Robin

Joel Schumaker shouldn't be allowed to direct tampon commercials, let alone Hollywood blockbusters.

Paul Blart, Mall Cop

Never saw it, but seriously...fuck this movie. If you want to see a fat guy run around aimlessly you can watch me play pick-up basketball. And I won't charge you ten bucks for the privilege.

Twilight

Once again, never saw it, but I have a question: Why would a vampire be interested in a girl who looks like she doesn't have any blood in her veins?

Dirty Dancing

If you're a working class guy trying to bang a rich girl, everyone will be too distracted by the class differences to notice that she's seventeen and you're in your mid-thirties.

Most porn movies

Pizza delivery guys get a lot of tail.

Kiss my ass, Project Brightside

On the way to work, as I turn onto Hurstbourne Lane, the traffic epicenter of Louisville, I notice that a group called Project Brightside has planted some flowers in the grassy median that separates the people sitting in northbound gridlock from the people sitting in southbound gridlock.

As I'm surrounded by soulless suburban sprawl, my lungs filling with poisonous carbon emissions as I slowly trudge toward a job that saps my will to live on a daily basis, thank God for Project Brightside and their precious fucking flowers.

Aneurysm Fuel

Comedian Lewis Black has a theory as to why people have aneurysms. According to him, a person will hear something so stupid and confusing it will just sit in the brain until it explodes.

Years ago, he was at an International House of Pancakes when he overheard the sentence, "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

That still remains the sentence to beat, despite a few contenders to which I've been exposed.

Years ago when I worked at Organized Living, a man who looked and talked like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons asked me "Do you have a container to house my rather large collection of sombreros?"

If you have more than one sombrero and aren't in a mariachi band, your head needs to be on a spike, on display in a public square so it can be mocked and desecrated by drunken town folk.

More recently, I was at a local record store when I overheard a man ask an employee, "Do you have any circus music?"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY CIRCUS MUSIC?" It bounced around my skull like a pinball (Kids, pinballs used to be in things called pinball machines, which used to be in places called arcades. Look it up).

Why oh why did this grown man need circus music? Does he plan on raping a clown? Who knows what perversions brought him to such a lowly state.

Still, neither of those inquiries can hold a candle to Lewis Black's "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." The randomness of it is just priceless. It's dumb to ask for a sombrero container, but at least Organized Living was a store that sold containers. And at least that guy didn't ask for circus music at a taxidermy.

P.S. - I just remembered another one. I was at a mall one holiday season and a woman walked by practically screaming into her cell phone, as people are wont to do, and I overheard "So I told Reverend Johnson to quit running his cock-biters."

She told her minister to stop "running his cock-biters." In all fairness to her, maybe his cock-biters were running amok.

Happy Halloween

Last Friday I was hanging out with a friend and we had the following conversation:

me: "Looks like 'slut' and 'douchebag' are really popular costumes this Halloween."

friend: "Uh...Halloween's not until next weekend."

me: "Oh, right. I'm just out in public. My bad."

TV Shows I Watch

I have the TV on a lot while I'm home, but it's usually a live sporting event or a Jessica Alba movie with the sound turned off. When I do actually pay attention to a scripted show, it's usually one of these:

Mad Men

Don Draper is awesome, except for the whole "living a second life to escape his tragic white trash beginnings" thing. Oh, and the "cheating on his hot wife" thing is terrible, but it's the early 60s and he's handsome and successful; what did you expect?

Despite his flaws, I really admire the way he dismisses the toadies and fools at his office. He does it without swearing or even raising his voice. He sits at his desk smoking a cigarette and drinking a martini in the middle of the day and verbally eviscerates people who richly deserve it. In other words, he has the best job ever.

And Joan. That is all.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

So many wrong but hilarious moments. Just watch this show. One of my favorite exchanges:

Frank (Danny Devito): I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Curb Your Enthusiasm

If Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld are the Lennon-McCartney of comedy, it's becoming pretty clear that Larry David is Lennon; minus getting shot in the face by a crazy guy, of course. I fully expect Seinfeld to descend further into mediocrity before marrying a one-legged gold digger.

30 Rock

A show loosely based on Saturday Night Live is funnier than SNL has been in years. Tracy Morgan is probably legitimately crazy, so they just let him be himself. Brilliant.

Big Love

It seems like forever since the last season of Big Love, but that's the way it goes over at HBO.

I've always gone against the belief that you have to have a likable character to enjoy a TV show or movie. There really isn't anyone to pull for on this show. Bill, the main character, is a manipulative hypocrite who uses his arcane religious "beliefs" so he can keep getting younger and younger wives. Really, that's what polygamy is all about. But the show is just fascinating. I can't stop watching it.

And that's about it. I still watch Family Guy, but you already knew that. And I watch The Office, but mainly the reruns on TBS. Everything else is just reality shows, scripted retardation, and Jay Fucking Leno.

So help me out here. Are there any other shows I should be watching? Please don't suggest sci-fi shows, reality TV, or Lost.

It should have been you, Spade. It should have been you.

There's a new commercial for Direct TV staring the late Chris Farley and his alleged best friend, David Spade. It features old footage of Farley from the film Tommy Boy. He does his "fat guy in a little coat" routine as Spade shills for satellite television, saying "I could be at home watching Direct TV. Instead (points in the direction of his dead best friend), I'm stuck with that." He also calls the late comedian "tons of fun", because that's how loathsome vultures treat their deceased pals.

Way to go Spade, you corpse-raping midget. I know Chris Farley died a long time ago, and I don't expect David Spade to be in a constant state of mourning; but for fuck's sake, is he so bereft of options to continue the shit stain that passes as his career he has to posthumously insult Farley for a quick payday?

Yes, Chris Farley ate, drank, and drugged his way to an early grave. I'm not suggesting he was a hero or should even be an object of your pity. But he was sometimes funny, which is more than that smarmy fuck David Spade can claim. To this day, despite years of appearances in unfunny movies and TV series, David Spade is still primarily known as Chris Farley's smartass sidekick.

Every day David Spade wakes up and doesn't have to go down to a bus station and blow strangers for cash, he should thank God he met and befriended Chris Farley. He should also have the humility to realize that he only gets to fuck hot twentysomething girls because he's a pseudo-celebrity and they have low self-esteem, but that's for another post.

Whenever I think about Phil Hartman and Chris Farley being dead while David Spade lives, it makes me want to toss a dwarf through a plate glass window.