Death Wore a Feathered Mullet

Not really the end but kind of the end...

2011-06-29T21:52:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't noticed, I'm done with this blog. I've actually been done with it for several months, and judging by the lack comments most of the world has been done with it for a couple of years now.

I used to really enjoy blogging. When I lived in Vegas it helped get a lot off of my chest. I got to say really horrible things under the veil of anonymity, which is cowardice defined, but I don't give a flying fuck about being a hero.

Through blogging, I was introduced to a lot of great people from all over the country and the world (there is something about Australia and hot female bloggers). I wish I could say that I was a member of the jetset and got to meet a lot of these fine people in person, but that isn't the case. I obviously met more bloggers when I lived in a popular tourist destination, and to everyone who actually saw me in person, I apologize for not being as entertaining as the blog. As for my looks, well....I warned you.

I am, however, facebook friends with several former blogger pals. If you read this blog and would like to friend me on facebook, email me and I'll send you my full name so you can request me. I don't want my full name associated with this blog for some very obvious reasons. A link to my email address is right here on the front page.

I am not deleting this blog. For one, I don't want to lose the url to a midget porn site or for the business blog of some Vegas douchebag trying to sell you sealskin ipad covers. And sometimes I like to look at the archives. Take care, everyone.

Fake internet love,

Todd

I go FJM on online dating profiles

2011-05-23T19:47:00.006-04:00

As most of you know, I'm a fragile, lonely shell of a human being; so naturally I turn to online dating, the last refuge of the social scoundrel. I try it for a month or so, go on a few unremarkable dates, get flat-out rejected more times than I care to remember, and then stop again until loneliness/horniness makes me forget about the futility of it all.

Anyway, I'm sure a lot of these women are nice people and all, but I'm bored and bitter, so let's take down some excerpts, FJM-style. The authors will, of course, remain anonymous.

"I would enjoy a nice dinner out at somewhere like Proof on Main, Volare, Jeff Rubys, etc..."

Of course this golddigger picks three of the most expensive restaurants in town. Hey, you're meeting people on a FREE dating site. We don't even want to spend 20 bucks a month on match.com, and you want a gourmet meal on the first date? Kindly eat shit instead.

"Im not here for games . So if your here for games keep moving, find someone else. If I wish to play games, I have board game. Looking for a good man that likes kids and has a head on his shoulders,...and like I said not on here for games."

I don't think she's here for games, do you? Was it Shakespeare or Schneider from One Day at a Time who said "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"? As I've stated before, she wants games, just NOT YOURS. Her games are the Summer Olympics, your games are rec league at best.

And as an adult, please learn the difference between "your" and "you're" and use them correctly.

"I like men that have a great sense of humor and lead a healthy lifestyle."

You can have one or the other, lady. Not a lot of guys cracking jokes while eating kelp and doing squat thrusts.

"I'm honest, probably to a fault......if you really don't want to know what I think, please don't ask. (That doesn't mean it's ok to message me and ask for my opinion...I don't freaking know you! Let's be grown-ups please.)"

Ok, let's translate this to English from its native Crazy Bitch. She is honest and will tell you her opinion, but don't even think of asking for it! She doesn't know you, man! I'm assuming you can ask her for a date, SINCE SHE'S ON A DATING SITE, but maybe I'm wrong.

-Note on dating profiles in general: why does every single woman on this particular site list "4 wheeling" as one of her interests? Really? That many women have a 4 wheel drive vehicle and just love driving over rough terrain? I call bullshit.

"Girls are like apples the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy."

Ummm....ground apples. But really, did she read this off of a commemorative plate hanging in her great aunt's pantry?

"I have 4 kids, all of whom live with me."

Only four? You need to step up the baby makin' if you want to achieve your goal of repopulating the Lost City of Atlantis. You can have sex without getting pregnant, you know.

"I have a criteria that the average man here just doesn't fall into. I dont feel I am better than anyone else I am just different and many men just do not interest me."

"None of you deadbeats are good enough for me, but it's not like I think I'm better than you..." There is nothing hotter than a 40-yr-old woman with ridiculous fake boobs and a bloated sense of self. I can tell just by reading her profile that she thinks she's smart and funny because guys who want to sleep with her tell her she's smart and funny. I'm guessing she's neither.

"GO CATS!"

Ugh, a University of Kentucky fan. Just the phrase "Go Cats" makes me shrivel up like a stack of dimes.

I'm sure male profiles are as bad or worse. Yeah, they're probably much worse; a bunch of shirtless Jersey Shoresque douchebags leaning against their Camaros, I'll bet. But I'm not doing the research. Someone else feel free.

I go FJM on Republican Quotes

2011-05-13T21:45:00.001-04:00

You know the drill, those of you who still read this. I'm going to respond to some dumb ass Repub quotes in the style of a blog that was smart enough to stop while they were ahead.

"The idea that carbon dioxide is a carcinogen that is harmful to our environment is almost comical." - Rep. John Boehner

This sounds like the fuckshackled rantings of a methed-out loony, doesn't it? Well, John Boehner is the fucking SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. He's in the line of succession. I'm not going to refute this weepy cuntwad with a scientific study proving he's an idiot, just as I wouldn't waste my time arguing with someone who says getting shot in the head won't hurt a bit.

''I'm ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it is a tragedy in the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown -- in this case a $20 billion shakedown ... I'm only speaking for myself. I'm not speaking for anyone else, but I apologize." - Rep. Joe Barton

Another of our distinguished public servants, this time referring to a $20 billion fine levied against BP for destroying the Gulf Coast with their greed and carelessness. Oh, and in the time it takes Joe Barton to clean the jizz off his jowls after servicing an oil exec, BP has made the $20 billion back.

''The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.'' - Pat Robertson

An oldie but retardie from Pat. I'm not going to be polite here: Fuck your soul, Pat! You have the moral authority of a child molester. You are a slurry-brained hillbilly who makes millions from robbing the old and ignorant of their life savings. I hope there is a hell, just so you can spend eternity being torn apart by demons, you squinty-eyed false prophet.

''Guess what? Faisal Shahzad (failed Times Square car bomber) is a registered Democrat. I wonder if his SUV had an Obama sticker on it.'' - Rush Limbaugh

Well, surprise, this statement is a lie. The crazy bastard wasn't registered to vote. Maybe Rush was too fucked up on illegal prescription drugs he bought from his illegal housekeeper to fact check that day. Besides, Rush, we liberals are all pansy-ass environmentalists, remember? None of us drive SUVs. It's a shame when Rush Limbaugh's outright lies don't coincide with his easy, brain-dead stereotypes.

''When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up'. I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.'' - Glenn Beck

Keep in mind Glenn Beck said this in 2005, when his hero George W. was President. I'm guessing if a 9/11 "victim family" was on television now, complaining about Obama, Beck wouldn't be so sick of them. Of course, what would they have to complain about? "I didn't like the way Obama authorized a successful takedown of the man who killed my loved one"? Not gonna happen.

Oh, and you cry like a bitch at the drop of a hat, Beck. You make millions from complaining. Go fuck your overinflated sense of self worth in its blowhole.

''If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that's in people's pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the war between the states -- the Great War of Yankee Aggression.'' -Rep. Paul Broun

You know, there's nothing wrong with Southern Pride when it applies to "We make some damn fine Grits", but still defending slave ownership? Still defending the traitorous act of taking up arms against the United States? Again, this isn't some moonshine runner holed up in a ramshackle aluminum hut; this is a United States Congressman. Sad and pathetic.

''We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada. And I think now, isn't that ironic?'' - Sarah Palin

"Ironic" isn't the word I'd use, no. I can't believe Sarah would jeopardize her precious family by subjecting them to universal health care. What if the "death squads" had decided that she and Bristol were too fucking vapid to live?

''The greatest threat to America is not necessarily a recession or even another terrorist attack. The greatest threat to America is a liberal media bias.''- Rep. Lamar Smith

I can see Lamar being interviewed after someone blows up the Sears Tower: "Yeah, that's terrible and all, but the real tragedy is that Brian Williams votes Democrat."

''I believe we have more to fear from the potential of that (health care) bill passing than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.''- Rep. Virginia Foxx

I can see Virginia being interviewed after someone destroys downtown Los Angeles: "Yeah, that's terrible and all, but the real tragedy is that poor children are getting medicine."

"I'm more of a man than any liberal." - Ann Coulter

I can't argue with this. She has giant man hands, an Adam's apple to rival Clint Eastwood's, and I'm guessing she's hung like Dirk Diggler.

Notes from Dark Lord Day

2011-05-01T19:13:00.000-04:00

This weekend a few coworkers and I ventured through Indiana to the thriving metropolis of Munster, to attend Dark Lord Day at Three Floyd's Brewery. Dark Lord Day is the only day of the year that this beer is sold, so the brewery has made an event out of it. Do I have thoughts and observations about the trip? You bet I do!

-Do you like flat? If so, do yourself a favor sometime and drive almost all the way through Indiana. Indiana is so flat it would give Russ Meyer nightmares.

-For some reason, Google Maps took us off the highway for a detour through Gary, Indiana. Gary is, for lack of a better word, a shithole. So prevalent were the boarded-up buildings, so complete was the squalor, that the place looked post-Apocalyptic. Remember the famous quote by Chris Rock about the irony of violent streets being named after the peaceful Martin Luther King, Jr.? Well, Gary has TWO streets named after MLK, because the violence couldn't be contained by just one.

It turns out that we didn't need to get off the highway at all. I think Google Maps is in cahoots with the Gary Visitors Bureau (it's the building that hasn't been condemned), because that is the only way anyone would ride through the town.

-I stood in line a lot at Dark Lord Day. There were lines for beer, food, bathrooms, and t-shirts. I didn't have to stand in line for a t-shirt, though, because a friend of ours used her ~~feminine wiles~~ big boobs to get us to the front.

-I didn't really mind waiting in line for the beer, which was excellent. I recommend Three Floyd's Zombie Dust IPA if you can find it anywhere.

-After not eating all day, Langel's Pizza became the best pizza on the face of the Earth.

-I discovered a cure for my insomnia: start drinking at 11am. I was fast asleep by 9pm Central Daylight Time.

-The complimentary coffee at the Residence Inn in Hammond is BRUTAL. I actually tasted notes of unfathomable sadness, like the coffee beans were roasted in a child's coffin and filtered through a Holocaust Cloak.

-On the way back home, at a rest stop in the "lovely" city of Whiteland, Indiana, I saw a teenage male wearing a shirt that read Down to Fuck. It must have been his good Sunday shirt. His parents should be Down to Put a Foot Up His Ass.

-Had a great time on the trip, but I want to go back to Three Floyd's Brewery when I can sit leisurely in the brewpub and drink a few of their delicious beers in relative quiet.

Weather

2011-04-26T23:35:00.000-04:00

It has rained on and off (but mostly on) for about a week now. The Ohio River is overflowing, streets are closed, and the city has an overall wet cardboard musk to it. Yes, the weather is news, but the situation is slowly devolving into LOCAL WEATHERMAN OVERKILL. I can't turn on my TV without a lacquer-coiffed manikin telling me about a storm that has already passed us by.

"THE STORM IS OUT OF OUR VIEWING AREA NOW BUT WE WANT TO WARN THE FOLKS IN COALDUST COUNTY OF THEIR IMPENDING METEOROLOGICAL DOOM. TAKE SHELTER, PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO WAY OF HEARING ME!"

I hate to sound like an old guy who tells you things were a lot different when he was a kid, but things were a lot different when I was a kid.

When I was in second grade about a dozen tornadoes hit Louisville, all in a single day. There was no advance warning. None. There were sirens, and three seconds later the city was a pile of rubble.

"Well, the town is pretty much destroyed. And now here's Barry with sports."

Could we maybe, just maybe, find a middle ground?

Trump 2012? The Mayans were right!

2011-04-16T01:59:00.001-04:00

Donald Trump is considering taking time off from his busy schedule of looking like the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls' Dorian Gray picture to run for president next year.

Please God, let it happen. Can you imagine the Republican primary debate between Trump and Sarah Palin? Will their egos combine to throw the Earth off its axis, hurling all of humanity toward the sun? Will either of them know anything but empty posturing and hollow rhetoric? Will Sarah wrap herself in at two piece flag bikini? Will Trump buy the Republican Party and drive it to bankruptcy? Will Sarah unleash a new round of folksy colloquialisms? Will Trump bang Bristol Palin in Atlantic City? The answers: maybe; not likely; figuratively; probably; definitely; and depends on how many wine coolers she drinks.

Trump failed as a casino owner. Really, that's all you need to know about the guy. Casinos are a license to print money, yet Trump's casinos failed miserably. Your paper boy could make money from gambling. And I bet your paper boy has enough humility to stay away from presidential politics.

Sometimes I remember things

2011-04-08T00:35:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I was in a record store - because I'm old and still buy music in the CD format - when a CD by the indie rock band The Fucking Champs reminded me of a brief incident from way back when.

About 11 years ago I went to see a band at this venue named Artswatch, which was pronounced "arts watch" but which I called "art swatch" because it pissed off people who took themselves way too seriously. Artswatch was a tiny place that was usually filled to twice its legal capacity. Climate control-wise, it was serviced by an air conditioner the size of a lunchbox that I'm fairly sure spit out, in lieu of cold air, molten lava.

I was standing around before the show started, drinking water because the 'swatch didn't have a liquor license, when this guy said to me, "Man, that was a great show you guys played the other night."

Before I could tell him there was no show, he said to his friend, "This guy is in that band I saw last week, The Fucking Champs."

At the time I had heard of The Fucking Champs, mainly because I enjoyed their name, but rest assured I had never seen them perform, let alone join them onstage. I tried to explain: "No, Im not in The Fucking Champs. I'm not in any band."

Then the guy acts like he doesn't believe me, like here I am a member of The Fucking Champs and I think I'm too cool to talk to a fan. Luckily, a shiny object soon caught his attention and he left me alone.

A few days later I was at the record store so I had to see this indie rock bastard who had the poor fortune to look like me. Everyone in the band was of average height and weight. None of those champion fuckers looked a thing like me. Could have been a touring musician, I guess.

And maybe that guy still talks about the summer night at Artswatch when he sweated through his ironic t-shirt and was snubbed by the snobby prick who played backup tamborine for The Fucking Champs.

I'll Try to Do Better

2011-03-28T00:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while, huh? I know blogging regularly is like paying a hundred bucks for a DVD player, but I'm going to go ahead and try to blog a few times a week; if only for my own sanity.

I don't have to deal with as many dumbfuck customers as before, but the other day I encountered quite the mental sprite. I was in the beer cooler when he walked in. I was feeling charitable so I asked him how his day was going.

"Heh heh, ever' day's a good day when y'ur gettin' al-key-hawl."

Yeah, that's how he pronounced alcohol. Al-key-hawl. And I'll bet he has children.

This is hardly a triumphant return to the world of blogging, but it's getting quite late and I have to be at work early tomorrow. I'll be back sooner next time.

Academy Awards

2011-02-28T01:46:00.000-05:00

Oh Oscar, is there anything you can't do, other than produce a watchable telecast?

Before the show even starts, some jackass on the red carpet tells me who is going to win every single category. He's the Nostradamus of trivial concerns.

-Your hosts for the evening are James Franco (whose career peaked artistically with Freaks and Geeks, IMHO), and Anne Hathaway, who is kinda Picassoesque but ultimately adorable. How will they do? Only time will tell.

-Tom Hanks presents the Art Direction Award. You'd think being a two time Oscar winner would afford him the clout to present an award someone gives a fuck about.

-True Grit is the only one of these films I've seen, so I hope it wins something.

-I'm surprised that Kirk Douglas is still alive, frankly. I know he's Hollywood royalty and all, and God bless him, but I actually said out loud "Just give the damn award already!" when he presented Best Supporting Actress. Does that make me a bad person?

-Melissa Leo wins and says "Fuck" about something. She wasn't in True Grit so I really don't care.

-The pointless presenter banter seems more pointless and bantery this year.

-I'm glad Toy Story 3 won for Best Animated Feature. Sooner or later I'll actually see it.

-They need something more persuasive than orchestra music to get long-winded creative types off the stage. Drop a piano on the chatty fucks!

-Aaron Sorkin wins for Best Adapted Screenplay and he's as insufferable as I thought he'd be. It was like reliving an episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and no one deserves that.

-The guy who won Best Original Screenplay, on the other hand, was funny, humble, and rather brief. See, IT CAN BE DONE.

-Best Supporting Actor goes to Christian Bale. He stole his beard from Young Kris Kringle in Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Yeah, I just dropped a Rankin/Bass reference.

-Trent Reznor wins an Academy Award. The guy who sang "I want to fuck you like an animal" has an Oscar. And with that, another nail is driven into the cultural coffin that is the 1990s.

-Ok, so Mandy Moore doesn't have the world's strongest voice. However, unlike Britney Spears, she doesn't allow herself to be photographed wearing a gravy-stained tube top.

-James Franco seems disinterested in the proceedings. He's probably thinking about the hot chicks he can't plow until the show ends.

-Aaaah! A cameo from the ghostly visage of Bob Hope! If you're going to use special effects to make Bob Hope appear on stage, have him introduce the montage of people who've died this year. That would be really creepy.

-I'm pretty sure "Florence" is really Andy Dick in drag.

-Sad Music + Celine Dion = Dead Celebrities. You can bank on that.

-Tom Hooper wins for Best Director. Not as hot as last year's winner...

-Louisville's Own Jennifer Lawrence (I've read that description of her so many times I'm almost convinced it's her full name) is up for Best Actress for -huh huh- Winter's Bone -huh huh; but she loses to Natalie Portman. I think as punishment for her awful performances in the Star Wars prequels Natalie should be disqualified from any and all professional accolades.

-I guess Anne Hathaway was trying to make up for James Franco being in a coma by acting giddy. Annoyingly giddy. To paraphrase Chris Rock, "I wouldn't hit her because she's a woman, but I'd shake the shit out of her."

-Colin Firth wins Best Actor for a performance in a film I'll never see.

-The King's Speech....Best Picture....blah blah blah. I'm afraid to see this movie. I'm afraid it'll be one of those unwatchable British films the academy loves so much. Didn't The English Patient win Best Picture one year? And what a festering pile of shit that was.

-Regardless of what I think about the film, you don't "play off" the people who just won Best Picture. If you're worried about time, cut some of the times James Franco was forced to pretend to want to be there. Or cut some of Anne Hathaway's death prattle.

-True Grit didn't win a damn thing.

-They let a group of fifth graders sing "Over the Rainbow". Should have gotten midgets instead.

The Grammy Crapfest

2011-02-13T19:58:00.126-05:00

I guess I'll live blog the Grammys. I don't know why. I just saw a commercial for it and I don't like any of this crap.

-Aretha Franklin is great, but this tribute makes it look like we joined the show in progress.

-Will Christina get the words right? The first of many easy, half-assed remarks tonight.

-With every Martina McBride close up, I'm glad I'm the last person outside of the third world who doesn't own an HD TV.

-The "group melody of someone else's hits" is never not disappointing.

-The Beatles of Dull - Train - wins for a song that's in every commercial on TV. At least 'Cast of Glee' didn't win. Really? 'Cast of Glee' is considered a band these days?

-Lady Gaga just shocked the easily shockable. *yawn*

-Blake Shelton is engaged to Miranda Lambart. If that sentence means anything to you, at some point in your life you've had anonymous sex at a flea market.

-Ok, I was going to live blog this disaster, but it's hard to edit using an Ipod touch, so check back after the Grammys for a full (more or less) report.

-I thought Bruno Mars was Jered Leto's shitty band. No, really.

-Someone let me know if anything interesting happened between 9 and 9:30. I watched Family Guy.

-Muse wins instead of Neil Young or Pearl Jam, and this angers me because I'm old.

-David Letterman does a Grammy Top Ten, and this amuses me because I'm old.

-Ok, I like the Avett Brothers. Nothing really snarky about that, though. Come on, Grammys; bring me some of that sweet sweet crap so I can insult it.

-Bob Dylan doesn't sound that great, but I love the fact that he's confusing a bunch of Sugarland fans. "Who's this old guy? Why isn't he pissing on the legacy of country music like Sugarland does?"

-Does the state department have a necrophilia division? Because Lady Antebellum is raping Teddy Pendegrass's corpse on live television. Honestly, fuck Lady Antebellum in the ass with a Grammy whittled down to a sharp point.

And of course they win for Best "Country" Album. Holy shit. They aren't good enough to headline a country music revival show at a struggling amusement park. And Kings of Leon and Miley Cyrus gave them the award. The fact that the world didn't end with so much collective suck confined to such a small space makes me believe the Mayans were wrong about 2012.

Cee Lo Green's song "Fuck You" is pretty good, but this is network television so he has to perform it as "Forget You". Not as good that way, as it turns out.

-Katy Perry's boobs. That is all.

-Literally. That is all she has going for her.

-Wow, the years have really taken away Johnny Depp's chiseled features. Oh wait...that's Douchebag Emeritus John Meyer. Never mind.

-Every time Lady Antebellum wins an award, the soul of a baby descends into Hell.

-Rihanna performs with Eminem and Dr. Dre. Chris Brown is disappointed that the threat of violence against her is merely implied.

-Esperanza Spalding wins Best New Artist. Allow me to not be the first to ask "WHO?" At least that little haircunt Justin Bieber didn't win. Whenever he tries to act "street" an actual gang should be allowed to legally murder a member of his family.

-The Dead Musician Slide Show is always depressing yet educational. For instance, I didn't know until right now that the lead singer of The Knack died. And a little piece of my manufactured Gen X adolescence died with him.

-Is that Mick Jagger or a Mick Jagger muppet? So frighteningly lifelike.

-Barbara Streisand takes time off from her usual vocation - making long flowing gowns out of orphan flesh - to favor us with her awkward stage presence and unremarkable voice.

-That Black Eyed Peas guy wasn't imprisoned for his Super Bowl halftime performance? Fuck you, America!

-Eminem wins Best Rap Album. He didn't act like an ignorant punk and it kind of disappointed me. I was hoping he'd insult Taylor Swift or pick a fight with a sock puppet or something.

-I was going to write "Rihanna. I'd hit that." But that's too low even for this blog.

-I think Jennifer Lopez is married to the guy who waited on me Friday night at Havana Rumba. Good for him!

-Lady Antebellum wins again. Question of the night: If I had a time machine, would I go five years into the future when Lady Antebellum are forgotten has-beens or go back twenty-whatever years and make sure their respective parents never procreate? Decisions, decisions.

-I would like this awards show to end.

-Arcade Fire wins Album of the Year and Barbara Streisand obviously has no idea who they are. Which is better than Kris Kristofferson, who has no idea who they are, who he is, or where he left his half-gallon of cheap gin.

-PAINFUL. Good night.

The Black Eyed Peas Make the Baby Jesus Poop His Diapers

2011-02-07T23:02:00.000-05:00

I was still living in Vegas when I first wrote of my hatred of the Black Eyed Peas, but I never in my worst nightmares thought they'd shit the bed in such a spectacular fashion. That Super Bowl halftime was the worst thing I've ever seen, ever. As the Peas raped music like they were Ben Rothlesberger and music was a boozed up co-ed, a global audience watched in abject horror. Survivors of devistating earthquakes, despot-lead ethnic cleansings, and decades of unimaginable famine turned away in disgust. Haven't those people suffered enough? We had to drop the fucking Black Eyed Peas on their humble village and the one working TV they had gathered around?

Back in America, at the party I attended, there was a collective gasp from those in their thirties as Fergie ruined their precious teenage memories by throat-fucking Sweet Child O' Mine; complete with Slash and his obvious mounting debts on lead guitar.

Why is Fergie famous? She sounds like a goat being waterboarded. And honestly, if she was a stripper at a mid-level titty bar you might throw a few bucks at her stage, mostly out of pity; and later she'd sit at your table and weepily talk about losing custody of her children until you bought her a drink made with well gin. Then when it came down to getting a lap dance you'd pick someone younger with a meth addiction in its infancy.

I'm Not Cool (Duh)

2011-02-02T11:56:00.000-05:00

As a general rule, I like humor. I think, based on opinions of people I don't normally hate, that I'm supposed to like Daniel Tosh and his making-fun-of-Internet-videos-on-Tv show, Tosh.0 After all, I think Joel McHale is hilarious on Talk Soup; and who doesn't enjoy seeing some oblivious cell-talking moron walk into a mall fountain?

But strangely enough, not only do I not watch Tosh.0, I'd really like Daniel Tosh to fall off a tall building and land ass first on Milton Berhle's spectre-dick. In my opinion, the guy is a smug prick, and smug prickiness is a quality that is far too often rewarded in this society.

And yes, you really had to wait that long for this post. Sorry.

Sarah Palin Hates This Blog*

2011-01-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

Sarah Palin's new website, ignorantcunt.com, contains a list of bloggers who need to be "eliminated". And I made the list! My avitar is in crosshairs and everything! Sarah goes on to write "These bloggers hate America and should be hunted down and killed like rabid animals."

When confronted about such an obvious call for violence, Palin responded "Jeez, it's one of those metaphors. 'Hunting down and killing' just means 'leave a strongly worded comment'. Duh."

When pressed, she added "Blah blah patriotism blah family blah blah blah values."

*This is all a lie.

Happy New Year, Bitches!

2010-12-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while, huh? My computer stopped working a while back, and instead of saving money to get a new one, I continued boozing it up and throwing my meager paycheck at accordian lessons. Maybe not, but I've found that my iPod Touch works just fine for interneting and facebookification, so I'm in no big hurry to spend $700 I don't have.

The iPod isn't so great for blogging, though. I started this post a week before Christmas. My chunky fingers are working overtime, fools.

So I guess this blog isn't dead, just mortally wounded. I couldn't let this holiday season end without commenting on the alarming trend of car companies using post-post-post modern bands to sing Christmas songs on their commercials. Hyundai has an annoying guy/girl duo, and they could hipster their way through a steel vault. The girl is adorable - and I'm a sucker for adorable - but if given a chance I'd encase her skinny jeans in concrete and throw her into the Ohio River (or an equally provincial body of water).

When I first heard Honda's contribution to the complete bastardization of all I hold sacred, I thought to myself, "Hmmmm, grating vocals from some whiny-ass honky over what sounds like a rusty hurdy-gurdy machine. Must be Vampire Weekend." And I was right. I've only heard this fucking terrible band a handful of times but I can smell them like a fart in a hot shower.

See you again in the sorta distant future.

A friendly reminder...

2010-11-12T09:53:00.000-05:00

The next time you see Glenn Beck on TV, weepily lamenting the decay of the old fashioned values that made this country great, remember this: When Mr. Beck was employed as a "wacky, morning zoo" DJ, he made an on-air call to a competitor's wife and laughed about her recent miscarriage.

That isn't liberal propaganda, it's FACT. It happened.

Funny, when my grandfather would talk of the hard work and determination it took to get this country past the Great Depression, he never mentioned publically mocking a woman who just lost a baby.

Two Can Play at This Game

2010-11-01T12:19:00.000-04:00

It's election season, so you can't turn on the TV without seeing a fact-deficient, fear-mongering Republican commercial. Most of these commercials blather on about "Obamacare", the right wing echo chamber buzzword of choice to describe health care reform.

Fair enough, but allow me to retort. I'd like to start using the term Teapartycare, the belief that the government shouldn't provide basic health care to children and working adults but has an obligation to give motorized wheelchairs to people too fat to walk.

That was fun, wasn't it? How about a few more.

Think "strategery" is a word? That's Bushspeak.

If you are a pill-popping drug addict who states repeatedly that drug users should be jailed, you are guilty of Limbaughcrisy.

Devote your professional life to denying gay people their civil rights while secretly sucking more strange cock than a truck stop hooker? You're a Foleychugger.

What's Palinwork? The inability to finish a job.

Glenn Beck is a walking punchline, so he doesn't need his own word.

The Traveling Dumbass Show

2010-10-21T23:21:00.002-04:00

Last week I was flying to Las Vegas when I was lucky enough to observe maybe the dumbest human being on Earth.

What did he do that was so stupid? He argued with airport security. Yeah...

I was at Louisville International Airport (which, in fact, has no non-stop flights to any location outside of the continental United States), when a female security officer asked a middle-aged man to step back and wait until his carry-on bag cleared the x-ray machine before he stepped through the metal detector.

This seemed a reasonable request to most of us, but the man protested. He didn't think he should have to push his own luggage through. I guess he thought the airport had some sort of luggage lackey to handle such trivial matters.

Either way, what difference does it make? Just do what they say and get through the line as quickly as possible. For the love of shit, just do it.

"I've never had to do that before," he stated with the authority of the kind of fucking know-it-all douchebag that everyone wants to bludgeon to death.

"Sir, it's standard procedure," the security guard stated.

And it went on. He kept insisting that in all of his past airport experiences his carry-on bag just magically made its way through the x-ray machine without his assistance. Some people just love to argue.

He lost the argument.

The last I saw of this argumentative gentleman, a couple of burly Homeland Security officials were giving him an elbow-deep cavity search.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Douchebag

2010-10-13T14:39:00.000-04:00

10. You've been mocked on the website Hot Chicks with Douchebags, and you aren't a hot chick.

9. The place you buy your clothes has a DJ.

8. You have an Ed Hardy tattoo of a guy getting an Ed Hardy tattoo.

7. Your tan is so orange you get a cease and desist letter from lawyers representing Home Depot.

6. You've been on the cover of Popped Collar Magazine: A Magazine For Guys Who Pop Their Collars.

5. You've done coke with Lindsay Lohan.

4. The place you buy your clothes has a VIP area with bottle service.

3. Whenever Red Lobster has their "Douchebag Month" promotion, in which all douchebags get 15 percent off any entree, they send you an email.

2. You've taken out an insurance policy on your abs.

1. Your minister says to you, "Jesus loves you, but I think you're a douchebag."

Unloved in my own hometown

2010-10-06T20:56:00.000-04:00

This week a local free newspaper had some kind of "Things We Like About Louisville" List. Shockingly, I wasn't included. I know, I too am speechless.

I do and do and do for this city, and this is the thanks I get. I actually know two people who write for this paper. One of them hates me, but still...you'd think that person would want me to get some publicity so readers could mock my appearance.

This cover story in a free weekly paper was probably my last chance to make the jump from complete to relative obscurity. Damn the luck. Maybe it was my lack of a cool job or any discernible talent that kept it from happening.

Actually, a few years ago a rival weekly newspaper used several quotes of mine for a featured story and the writer wanted to promote my blog, but I didn't think it was a good idea to have my full name associated with this. After all, I might have lost a job that saps my very will to live; and we wouldn't want that.

"Waiter, there's a whorehouse in my Highlands Fest."

2010-09-27T01:07:00.003-04:00

My birthday occurred this weekend, and it coincided with the beginning of Louisville Craft Beer Week, so there was drinking involved. I'll spare you the tasty, delicious details of Thursday's and Friday's beer consumption and get right to the whores. Yes, I said whores.

I met several friends and coworkers at the annual Highlands Fest, a fine early Fall excuse to listen to live music and drink in the street. As it got late, we decided to take our bloated livers to a local bar's outdoor patio.

But where to go, where to go? We picked a place that, despite the high volume of drinkers concentrated in the area, is practically empty every weekend. This place is surrounded by bars that charge a cover on weekends, with people waiting in line to get in. This joint, however, charges no cover and is usually deserted. How do they stay in business? I don't have proof, but I think management is going "the extra mile".

As we sat at their back patio, people started showing up. Cars with out of state license plates pulled up, filled with young women dressed in Catholic School Girl outfits. Two large men with guns visible in the waistbands of their designer impostor sweatpants seemed to be "in charge".

Ok, here is what I know:

-There were several young girls wearing white button down shirts (tied off at the waist) and short plaid skirts.

-There was a makeshift photo booth assembled near the front bar. For privacy, perhaps?

-There were a bunch of young guys in there, which is of course normal, but there weren't any young women other than the skirt-clad group who arrived together.

-Most puzzling of all, the front doors were all locked. On a Saturday night, on a very high-traffic street, on a night when said street was busier than usual, you could only get into this bar from a back entrance. And you had to walk past a couple of gun-totting leviathans as well.

What was happening? I'm thinking there was some serious flesh peddling going on there. Maybe not. Maybe it was a private party where you could get your picture taken with a hot young lady. Yeah, and maybe if you got drunk a flying unicorn would take you safely home.

Whether we were drinking on the patio of a sketchy bar or a full-fledged whorehouse, we decided not to press our luck any further. We got the hell out of there before we saw something someone didn't want us to see.

Well, now I have a strong idea of how this bar pays the rent.

Troy the Annoying Coke Dealer

2010-09-16T00:10:00.000-04:00

This past weekend my friend had a birthday party. It was sort of epic, what with the keg of Stone Levitation Ale and a half gallon of 12-year-old Weller bourbon. I like 12-year-old bourbon the way R. Kelly likes 12-year-old girls, so I got fairly intoxicated. Not intoxicated enough that I don't remember one of the uninvited guests, Troy the Annoying Coke Dealer, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Troy is the result of what happens when a stupid, entitled little shit squanders his trust fund before he hits 30. He walked into a room where some of us were trying to watch a DVD and within minutes cleared the fucking place.

"Hey, I'm not gonna be here long," he began, immediately getting our hopes up. "I'm going to go out later and make some money."

I held my tongue regarding the ways I thought this twerp could make money. Snatching purses from the handicapped? Selling his ass and/or mouth at the Greyhound station? Dealing drugs?

It was drugs.

"I got something for sale if any of you are interested."

No, asshole. We're alcoholics here, maybe a couple of potheads. None of us want your "cocaine" that's probably cut with rat poison.

He continued: "Man, this stuff is...(long pause while he thought of a way to describe his contraband)...like God was fucking someone, then he pulls out and you snort what comes off his dick."

Yeah, THAT'S WHAT HE CAME UP WITH! I'm sorry if anyone is disgusted or offended, but that's what the fucker said. I'm only the reporter. And he was very proud of his descriptive prowess. He repeated it over and over until the room was empty. The last thing I heard him say before I walked out was "That's how I'm going to sell this shit at the bar."

Yeah, good luck with that.

But that wasn't the last we heard of him. A girl came by to pick him up, and she looked like Billy Idol with tits. In keeping with the eighties theme, she had war paint on her face like the lead singer of Scandal in the "Warrior" video.

Troy the Annoying Coke Dealer was clearly smitten. "She used to be a stripper," he told a group of us who obviously didn't care. "She'll probably take her clothes off if you ask her."

For the record, none of us wanted to see her naked. I shudder to think of the establishment that employed her as a nude dancer.

Other than that, I had a great time.

I had a nitemare

2010-08-29T02:29:00.001-04:00

Ok,I basically no longer have a computer. My laptop is broken and it will be a while before I get a new one. I won't be doing a lot of posting, but Glenn Beck has pissed me off to the point that I'm slowly typing this out on my iPod Touch.

Yesterday Beck decided to have a gathering of mouth breathing tea partiers. You'd assume such a collection of morons would include Sarah Palin, and you'd be right. Beck decided to have this rally on the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, at the exact place where it was given.

I'm for free speech, even when Sister Sarah is doing the speaking; and I'm for freedom of assembly, even when the assembled are a group of hateful, willfully ignorant jackasses.

But isn't it a little crass to mark the anniversary of King's historic speech by bringing together people whose two main concerns seem to be coming up with new, "clever" racial epithets to hurl at the president and making sure the victim of sexual assault is forced to birth the rapist's baby? I don't know, couldn't we do better?

And really, anything would have been better. A massive circle jerk would have been less offensive. I can see the spirit of MLK saying, "Oh my goodness, it's the anniversary of my most famous speech and those people are masturbating. And some of the have fingers up their ass, too. Oh well, at least Glenn Beck isn't involved."

Boycotts

2010-08-19T22:16:00.000-04:00

Just about every day I get some kind of email asking me to boycott something, or see a facebook post advocating a boycott. Some of the time I support this action, some of the time I don't. And to be honest, it doesn't really have to do with any political agenda. It has everything to do with how I feel about the targeted company in the first place.

For example, I've been asked via email to stop shopping at Target department stores. Folks, that's not gonna happen. Apparently, Target gave a large campaign contribution to some right wing moron. But in their defense, they have Season Two of Mad Men for only $19.99.

I'm pretty liberal, but Target could buy Sarah Palin a diamond-studded dildo and they wouldn't lose my business. However, Wal-Mart? Fuck them, give me a reason to not shop there! What, a store manager in Tupelo doesn't like Gypsies? I'll never set foot in one of those dumps ever again.

Is there a reason to not eat at Olive Garden? People give me dirty looks when I say I hate their food, like "Oh, la-de-fuckin'-da, King Cuisine won't eat at Olive Garden," but it would be a different story were I to boycott them for employing slave labor or contributing to the rise of Pol Pot's grandson in Cambodia.

I wonder how epic an atrocity it would take for me to boycott Chick Fil A. Weakened the levees in New Orleans circa 2005? Maybe. Were directly responsible for 9/11? Perhaps. "Yeah, they really fucked up, but have you had this sandwich?" I'd say between bites.

Want more examples? Ok:

White Castle? Heard they gave smallpox blankets to earthquake victims. I'll give 'em one more chance.

Subway? Read somewhere that they don't hire enough midgets, so the entire chain is dead to me.

In-n-Out Burger? Really, they're sponsoring Dane Cook's fall tour? I vow to only eat there once a year, unless they open a store in Louisville or I move out West; in which case all bets are off.

I guess the point of this post is that I'm a horrible human being.

Our dumb ass world

2010-08-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

"I got a ticket for speeding in a shcool zone."

This misspelled road marker, which is really just an expensive and embarrassing typo, serves as an apt symbol for our stupid, stupid society. Self-described experts, who number in the billions thanks to the Internet, have thus far failed to pinpoint the exact time humankind began its most likely irreversible slide downward.

Was it the summer grown men wore Capri pants? Maybe.

Was it when the country heard "Ladies and Gentlemen, your new American Idol, Taylor Hicks"? Perhaps.

Was it when George W. Bush was reelected? Could be.

Personally, I blame the cast of Real World: Las Vegas. Fuckers.

It really doesn't matter, though. This is the world we have made, and thus the world we deserve. Across America, quality independent restaurants are shutting down while the middle class collectively waits an hour for a table at Olive Garden. Meanwhile, the fifty people in this country who are still rich are busy eating stuff that looks like this. Did a disgruntled and/or sickly kitchen employee drool on that plate? No, that's foam. It's supposed to be there. People pay for that.

It's getting to the point that I'm numb to the stupidity of others. Nothing surprises me. "Oh, some crazy bitch in Ohio attacked a McDonald's worker because she couldn't get McNuggets at 7 in the morning? Yeah, that sounds about right."

You know where this is all leading, don't you? The election of Sarah Palin as President of the United States in 2012. The willfully ignorant, with their stunning self-righteousness and misplaced anger, are rising up to put the final nail in America's coffin. And of course, that coffin was Made in China.

"Oh, it'll never happen," you're saying to yourself. Really? You dare overestimate the intelligence of the American public? I'm resigning myself to at least 4 years of a Palin administration (2 if she quits to do a reality show). That way if it doesn't happen I'll be pleasantly surprised.

But who will be Palin's running mate? There's a lady from Ohio who'll work for McNuggets.

Which shitty band will replace the shitty band?

2010-08-03T17:11:00.000-04:00

I've written in the past of my hatred for the freecreditreport.com band and their smirking, untalented lead singer. I may or may not have publicly wished disembowelment on the lot of them. That guy fucked our eardrums so hard his dick looked like a Sugar Daddy. Well, a few months ago they were all fired. Does this mean that less than a year from now you'll be able to get a one-dollar rural rest stop handie from one of those guys? Yes. Yes it does.

Unfortunately, the parent company of freecreditreport.com is launching another website, brilliantly called freecreditscore.com, and they're going to choose a new band to promote their unethical business. They've narrowed it down to four groups willing to take a very public shit on the concept of art.

I was going to individually break down each band, but why bother? They're all four a collection of twentywhatever douchebags who heard the call "Use your art to pimp a credit report company" and quickly answered "That sounds like a brilliant idea." The names of the bands, I Love Monsters, The Poets Dance, Evolove, and The Victorious Secrets, are uniformly putrid. One of them has a female lead singer, but they all dress like wannabe hipsters who are afraid to commit to being hipsters out of fear of being called hipsters.

I realize that "artistic integrity" is an antiquated term, like "quality workmanship" or "corporate responsibility", but unlike the first band - a bunch of actors put together for the purpose of those annoying commercials - these are working musical groups who actively submitted videos in hopes of being selected to be total whores. How can someone be in a band and hate music? Because really, you'd have to despise music to want to sing a fucking song about credit for a company with highly questionable business tactics. "Really? They fuck people in the ass on a daily basis? I want my band to be their face."

I'm used to bands selling their work for a Volkswagen ad or to be teen drama background music as the protagonist finally kisses the hot girl next door. But this....this just seems like a new low. Am I wrong?

A note from work...

2010-07-29T22:15:00.000-04:00

I am no longer a cashier supervisor at work, so I no longer have to stand around babysitting grown-ups for eight hours a day. And getting berated by crazy people because I won't sell liquor to their dangerously underage girlfriends is now a thing of the past.

I'm now the "beer guy", which means I stock beer and stuff. It keeps me busy and generally away from the public, which makes me very happy.

I do have to deal with beer vendors, but most of them are ok. A notable exception is a guy from Miller/Coors who looks like The Penguin. Not a penguin, The Penguin. Oswald Motherfucking Cobblepot. And he's a lazy, gruff asshole. The other day there was a shopping cart full of Miller Chill in the back storage area. I had been off the previous day, so I had no idea why it was there. The Penguin walked up to me all aggressive and gave me the third degree about it, like he was my boss. He isn't my boss, in case you were wondering. The conversation went something like this:

The Penguin: "What's the story with this Miller Chill?"

Me: "The story? Well, once upon a time there was this soulless corporation called Miller Brewing and they had an idea to make a shitty lime-flavored beer that no one gives a fuck about. And that's the Miller Chill story."

That's me, making friends wherever I go.

The Separation of Church and Blog

2010-07-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

I started going back to church again.

Yeah, I know you're all shocked. "Hey, aren't you the guy with the filthy blog? Wasn't it just last week that you suggested that Lindsay Lohan have her vagina sewn shut?"

Yes, and I still believe that. I'm a foul-mouthed drinker of beer and bourbon who attends church, sometimes with a hangover. If you think that makes me a hypocrite, you're missing the point.

And don't worry, I don't plan on trying to convert any readers. Why not? Well, because it's fucking obnoxious, that's why (There I am, cursing again).

And mainly because I have my own doubts. Was Jesus the son of God put here on Earth to redeem us? I don't know. Are the words of Jesus (or if you prefer, words attributed to Jesus) a good if perhaps unattainable blueprint for how to live your life? I say yes. Kurt Vonnegut, self-described "Christ-worshipping Agnostic", once said "I am enchanted by the Sermon on the Mount. Being merciful, it seems to me, is the only good idea we have received so far. Perhaps we will get another idea that good by and by - and then we will have two good ideas."

Vonnegut, of course, also had a healthy distaste for showy institutional religion. I couldn't see myself attending one of those large, Six Flags Over Jesus megachurches. Their doctrine is too conservative and they themselves are too impersonal for my tastes.

Regardless of size of congregation, there are two other kinds of churches that just aren't for me:

-The church that only talks about all of the various behaviors and attributes that will land you in Hell. This is the "Angry God" church. The outside world is angry enough, thank you.

-The church that says "Be as overly aggressive and self-serving as you like, as long as you come here on Sunday (Implied if not said: "And give us a lot of your money"). These churches exist so greedy people can sleep at night. Hey, we're all greedy to some extent, but I prefer my greed mixed with a little remorseful insomnia.

Faith, or lack thereof, is a very personal thing. For the most part this blog will continue to be profane and profoundly stupid. More filth is on the way!

Ok, looks like Lindsay is having the last laugh...and other concerns

2010-07-22T18:19:00.000-04:00

-Lindsay Lohan is only going to have to serve about two weeks in jail for a string of minor crimes that would have sent you to the big house for a million years. Why? Because she was a celebrity in 2004 and you weren't, that's why. Silly non-celebrities and your fucking questions.

And not only does Lindsay only have to serve a fraction of a normal person's sentence, she gets to do it in a space that's more like a hotel room than a prison. Her incarceration includes a television, a private phone, a full-sized bed, and personal guards. Really? Really, Los Angeles? There are law-abiding, hard working citizens who don't have such nice things! Almost none of us have personal guards. Wouldn't it be awesome to have your own hired goons to push your way through crowds and rough up potential nay sayers? You don't have that, and you work for a living and/or don't run into shit with your car when you're all fucked up.

So, taxpayers of bankrupt California, enjoy paying for Lindsay Lohan's vacation. Also, I'm going to have to insist that her vagina be sewn shut. It would be like condemning an old, dangerous building. Sometimes you have to take extreme action in the interest of public safety.

-I was thinking of seeing Inception, but then I found out it was rated PG-13. What a puss out! Go "R" or go home, bitch. Inception is basically about a guy who enters people's dreams. If someone straight out of nowhere just entered your dream, you'd probably be all "Get the cocksucking fuck out of my dream, cuntface!" You'd used "R" rated language. You wouldn't be throwing around damns, hells and shits like some twat in a PG-13 movie, that's for sure.

And nothing is worse than a PG-13 comedy. They always seem to star Tim Allen, Kevin James, a talking baby, or some combination of the three.

-Well, the title of this post is a giant lie, because there was only one other "concern". Singular. My apologies.

LeBron takes a meeting

2010-07-12T18:17:00.001-04:00

Let's take a look inside the offices of LeBron James, INC to see what The Man Who Destroyed Cleveland is up to.

Personal Assistant
"Let me say first of all how dapper you look in that shirt. Is that gingham?"

LeBron
"Yeah, how did you know?"

Personal Assistant
"I worked at JC Penny's to pay for college. But that's not important right now. Are you ready to go over the agenda, sir?"

LeBron
"Yeah, I guess so."

Assistant
"What's wrong, sir?"

LeBron
"I was booed at a wedding the other day."

Assistant
"No, no...I saw the tape. They weren't booing, they were saying Le-Boo-ron."

LeBron
"Yeah, ok...that makes sense to me."

Assistant
"I'm sure it does, Mr. James."

LeBron
"Man, you've been my assistant for seven years. You don't have to call me Mr. James. Call me Mr. LeBron James."

Assistant
"Ok, uh...Mr. LeBron James...our first order of business is your cell phone service. We're cancelling with Sprint and going with AT&T."

LeBron
"Fine, but let's announce the change on ESPN."

Assistant
"Pardon me?"

LeBron
"We could do an hour show, donate the proceeds to charity of course, and I can explain how I've given all of my heart and soul to Sprint, and they should feel privileged to have had me as a customer all these years; but now LeBron James is ready to take his talents to AT&T."

Assistant
(muffled sigh) "I'll see what I can do. And do you want the proceeds to go to the Boys and Girls Club, as usual?"

LeBron
"No, they're old news. I sent the Boys and Girls Club a detailed message telling them the LeBron James gravy train has come to an end and I'll be taking my guilty conscience money to the Salvation Army. Oh, that reminds me...I want you to send a copy of that message to every media outlet in the entire world."

Assistant
"Yeah....are you sure that's a good idea, letting the media know you've ungracefully ended your association with a children's charity?"

LeBron
"You're right, man. See, this is why I keep you around. That's small time and you know it. Let's get American Airlines Arena, sell tickets and say it's for charity, and I'll invite a rep from the Boys and Girls Club. I'll fake like I'm giving him one of those big-ass oversized charity checks, and then I'll rip the check up and tell him to get the fuck out of there."

Assistant
"Ha. Good one, sir."

LeBron
"No, I'm serious. Then while everyone laughs at his no-check-havin' ass, I'll give the real check to the Salvation Army. Then maybe Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh can pop out of a giant Salvation Army kettle or something."

Assistant
"That's really just terrible."

LeBron
"Whatever. Make it happen, piss boy. I'm going to go break up with my girlfriend live on the Lifetime Network."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2010-07-07T10:28:00.000-04:00

Lindsay Lohan, pictured here looking crazy, was sentenced to 90 days in jail yesterday. Why? For violating her probation on a million separate occasions, that's why.

You see, if Lindsay wasn't a "celebrity" and her many, many trials weren't in Los Angeles, she would have spent time in jail years ago. Maybe she would have gotten her shit together and still have a career.

But none of that happened, so Lindsay continued to drive drunk, shoplift and miss court appointments like it was her job. I take that back...she was much more committed to a hazy life of intoxicated motor vehicle operation and petty theft than any acting job that paid her a small fortune. Now she can't get work because she is moody, unreliable and addicted to booze and every drug known to man.

For those of you keeping score at home, this post begins Phase Four of its Lindsay Lohan Progression. Here's a quick review of the phases thus far:

Phase One - Lindsay peaked personally and professionally in 2004. Since this blog debuted in 2005, early Lohanian posts noted that while her Mean Girls costars were still curvy and hot, Lindsay looked like a contestant on Extreme Makeover: Concentration Camp Survivor Edition.

Phase Two - This is also known as "the compassion phase" by people with far too much time on their hands. Lindsay had sunk so low that I declared her off limits from my vicious, unfair ridicule. This self-imposed ban actually lasted a few years.

Phase Three - After watching Lindsay continually break the law and get away with it because Los Angeles judges are moronic starfuckers, I decided to start making fun of her again. It felt good, I'll admit.

Phase Four - We are now in "the schadenfreude phase" 'cause they're finally putting the bitch on ice. I have a feeling Lindsay's next role will be "guard's favorite".

What will Phase Five be? Will it be self-righteous indignation when Lindsay only serves one hour of her 90-day sentence? Will it be insincere remorse when her ashy corpse is recovered from a Hollywood gutter? Stay tuned to find out.

This will be my 986th post...

2010-07-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

986 posts. That's a lot of self-indulgent horseshit. I barely manage to blog once a week these days, but when this "project" was called Viva Las Vegass I'd pollute the internet with my opinions almost every day. Those were the salad days, as H.I. McDunnough would put it.

I'm going to try to get to the magic 1,000 posts; hell, I might even go past that number, but I can't guarantee when that will happen. I write when the mood strikes and it hasn't done much striking lately. Usually I'll think of something brief and half-assed so I'll put it where "brief" and "half-assed" live and breathe, Facebook.

A lot of people who are much cooler than me gave up blogging a long time ago. The blog is the first generation Ipod of the information age, I suppose. But twitter does nothing for me, man! I don't just want to know what you had for breakfast. I want to know what you were thinking as you ate!

So this blog will continue like the bar band that should have broken up when the original bass player died playing flag football. Maybe some of you will occasionally show up for a gig and applaud politely.

Live Blogging the NBA Draft...Again

2010-06-24T19:53:00.017-04:00

Last year I live blogged the NBA draft, and let me tell you...NO ONE CARED. I didn't even care, and I wrote the fucking thing. But I just got off work and I'm bored and broke, so here we go again.

Let me start out by saying I'm tired of hearing about LeBron James and where he'll make hundreds of millions of dollars for the next few years. Yeah, he's great and all, but he's won as many championships as my fat ass.

Last year a lot of picks were wasted on foreign players who may not leave their countries for several years. Will the trend continue this year? Gosh, I hope so.

1. Washington Wizards - John Wall, University of Kentucky
I should hate John Wall since he played at Kentucky, but I just don't have it in me. He seems ok. He just bought his mom a house and he never punched any University of Louisville players in the head, unlike Demarcus Cousins.

2. Philadelphia 76ers - Evan Turner, Ohio State University
Another guy I don't hate. This is comedy poison!!!

3. New Jersey Nets - Derrick Favors, Georgia Tech
Huh...someone just said this guy has "great length". If Jay Bilas says "Yeah, but what about his girth?" my head will explode.

4. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wesley Johnson, Syracuse
He played for Syracuse, so he can eat a bag of cocks.

5. Sacramento Kings - Demarcus Cousins, Douchebag from University of Kentucky
Seriously, fuck this clown. He didn't punch NBA commissioner David Stern on the way to the podium, so maybe our little thug is growing up.

6. Golden State Warriors - Ekpe Udoh, Baylor University
"Ekpe Udoh" is the sound you make when you get punched in the stomach.

7. Detroit Pistons - Greg Monroe, Georgetown
Greg is from New Orleans and was displaced by Hurricane Katrina. Now he's going to Detroit. From one disaster area to another...

8. Los Angeles Clippers - Al-Farouq Aminu, Wake Forest
Getting drafted by the Clippers equals being cursed. You could desecrate an Indian burial ground and not be as cursed as the poor bastard who gets drafted by the Clippers.

9. Utah Jazz - Gordon Hayward, Butler University
Hey, Utah drafts a white guy. Big surprise.

10. Indiana Pacers - Paul George, Fresno State
What, was John Ringo unavailable? That was a Beatles joke, kids. The Beatles were overrated, by the way.

11. Charlotte Hornets - Cole Aldrich, Kansas
I bet he eats at Sonic a lot. I can see Cole punishing a large order of tater tots.

12. Memphis Grizzles - Xavier Henry, Kansas
He pronounces his name "Za Vee Aay". In other words, he's a giant pussy.

13. Toronto Raptors - Ed Davis, North Carolina
Enjoy paying Canadian taxes, Ed.

14. Houston Rockets - Patrick Patterson, University of Kentucky
Another Kentucky player I don't hate. I'm losing my edge. Someone hurry up and draft that semi-literate asshole Eric Bledsoe.

15. Milwaukee Bucks - Larry Sanders, Virginia Commonwealth
Did the Bucks just draft this guy?

16. Minnesota Timberwolves - Luke Babbit, Nevada
Did the Timberwolves just draft these guys? BABBIT!!!

17. Chicago Bulls - Kevin Seraphin, France
Finally, a foreign player no one has heard of! He's French, so expect him to soon lead the league in unconditional surrenders.

And now they say he won't be coming over for a few years. Of course not. Why would you draft someone who can actually help your team this decade?

18. Oklahoma City Thunder - Eric Bledsoe, University of Kentucky
The NCAA is investigating Bledsoe because they don't think he was smart enough to legitimately finish high school. And now he's a millionaire. Enjoy getting up early and going to work tomorrow, everyone!

19. Boston Celtics - Avery Bradley, Texas
Hey, you guys lost to the Lakers! Suck on that, Beantown!

20. San Antonio Spurs - James Anderson, Oklahoma State
I really don't know anything about this guy, but the Spurs always make good decisions, so I'm sure he'll do just fine.

Oh...hahahahaha! Eric Bledsoe just got traded to the Clippers. He shouldn't have skull-fucked the remains of Geronimo the other night. Hahahahahaha!

21. Oklahoma City Thunder - Craig Brackins, Iowa State
I have no idea who this is and he doesn't even have a funny name. Fuck off, Brackins! You are draft live blog dead weight!!

22. Portland Trailblazers - Elliot Williams, Memphis State
According to Jay Bilas, he's "the best pro prospect in Conference USA" to which America responds "la-de-fucking-da".

23. Minnesota Timberwolves - Trevor Booker, Clemson
On a completely unrelated note, I'd like to punch Jonah Hill in the face.

24. Atlanta Hawks - Damion James, Texas
You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

25. Memphis Grizzlies - Dominique Jones, South Florida
Louisville usually beats the crap out of South Florida in basketball, so I've seen Dominique Jones get lots of meaningless garbage time baskets. He's perfect for the NBA.

26. Oklahoma City Thunder - Quincy Pondexter, I forget where he went to college and I'm too disinterested to find out...
I loved Quincy Pondexter in Revenge of the Nerds.

27. New Jersey Nets - Jordan Crawford, Xavier University
In a pickup game last summer, he dunked on LeBron like it was the fourth quarter of a game that mattered. In other words, LeBron was useless.

28. Memphis Grizzles - Greivis Vasquez, Maryland
I like this guy. He sat in the crowd and went crazy when he got picked. He brought his whole family, too. All of 'em. And he gave David Stern a lusty embrace. Solid performance all around.

29. Orlando Magic - Daniel Orton, University of Kentucky
If you're counting at home, that's FIVE players from Kentucky in the first round. And they didn't even make the Final Four last year. Nice going Calipari, you dick.

30. Washington Wizards - Lazar Hayward, Marquette
And it finally ends. Not as many wacky foreigners as last year. I'm a little disappointed to be honest.

The song of my generation?

2010-06-21T17:26:00.000-04:00

We have a relatively new radio station in town that calls itself "Gen X Radio". Chronologically, I am a member of the meaningless subcategory called Generation X. True, I am on the older side of the Gen X chart, but I am still lumped into this demographic whenever someone wants to sell me a pair of shoes endorsed by the ghost of Kurt Cobain.

After years of driving an old Acura that didn't have a working radio, I am happy to report that my Toyota Corolla has a radio and a CD player, thus thrusting me into the latter part of the 20th Century.

Ok, here's the part where I tie the above paragraphs together. Almost every single time I change a CD in my car, the Gen X radio station is playing "C'mon Ride the Train" by the Quad City DJs. Apparently this is the song that defines my generation.

You want lyrics? I don't think you can handle these lyrics!

Come on ride the train hey ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train hey ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train woo woo hey
Ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train
Woo woo hey ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train
It's the choo choo ride it woo woo
Come on ride the train it's the choo choo train
Come on ride the train it's the choo choo
Ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, it's the choo choo train

Really? They don't even play this shit at weddings anymore. I think this is all just a prank from an employee of the station.

"Let's see how many times a day we can play 'C'mon Ride the Train'."

"Dude, they don't even play that shit at weddings anymore."

I can't wait until the limited edition "C'mon Ride the Train" Converse comes out.

Michael Jordon has a Hitler 'stache

2010-06-11T02:16:00.002-04:00

As this recent photo shows, greatest basketball player ever and known asshole Michael Jordan now sports a Hitler mustache.

The last time we saw Michael in public, he was using his Hall of Fame speech to berate every person who ever slighted him in the least. I guess he thought the only way to top that was to grow facial hair that reminds folks of history's most horrific despot. This is really disturbing, but I have a few thoughts on the subject...

White supremacists aren't usually very bright, so I'm sure the sight of a black guy with Hitler's mustache is really fucking with their heads. Rand Paul is probably harelipped by now.
You know you're rich and famous when not one of your close friends has the balls to tell you "Dude, you can not leave the house like that. You have a Hitler."
Michael Jordan basically popularized the whole "shaved head as fashion statement" thing. Good thing he's retired or we'd be balls deep in the most annoying trend since men's capris.

What's next, Michael? Pol Pot's haircut? Idi Amin's military uniform? Uncle Jonathan's corn cob pipe? It boggles the mind.

Hey Right-to-Lifers, MTV just broadcast an abortion!

2010-06-07T01:52:00.004-04:00

I decided to watch The MTV Movie Awards in part because they're being hosted by "Indian Matt", and that's about as close as I'm ever going to get to having a friend on national television.

Wow, what a fucking stupid reason to watch this steaming pile of demon afterbirth.

Aziz Ansari's opening monologue was pretty good, mainly because he made fun of Twilight. He wasn't in it much after that, and good for him, because it may have been the worst thing ever televised. Saddam Hussein's hanging was a better production.

-Justin Bieber's popularity means only one thing: Twelve-year-old girls are given too much freedom in today's society. Can we imprison them until their tastes in music improve? Until then, their tiny hands can make our sneakers and hoodies as part of my "Buy American" program. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

-Why is David Spade and his smarm allowed on my television screen? Shut up and rape Chris Farley's corpse some more, you talentless gnome.

-One day in the distant future an old man will be watching an awards show with his grandson and a young actress will accept a statue with beauty and grace. The old man will sneer and say, "In my day the actresses were twitchy and uncomfortable in their own skin, like Kristen Stewart!"

Kristen wins for Best Female Performance, by the way.

-From now on I'll be referring to the trio of Jonah Hill, Russell Brand, and Sean P. Diddy Combs as "Fat Douche", "Foreign Douche", and "King Douche". You thought I was going to call P. Diddy "Black Douche" didn't you? Don't be silly...Jamie Foxx is "Black Douche".

-Breakthrough Performance goes to Anna Kendrick. I don't know who she is, but she's hot. King Douche agrees, as he tries to grope her on stage.

-At various points during the show there are some really unfunny skits that I'm not going to try to explain. They are all equally terrible and represent a tragic waste of the human spirit.

-Amanda Seyfried looks really good winning something.

-At first I thought Best Kiss went to Twilight's Robert Pattinson making out with a dude, but it turns out he's kissing Kristen Stewart's twitchy, anorexic face. When they accept the award, they have zero chemistry together despite the fact that they date in real life. How is that even possible?

-Katy Perry isn't much of a singer, but in her defense she has really impressive breasts. She warbles a song about California (how original) and then Snoop Dogg comes out to put another several thousand miles between himself and street cred.

Seriously, I like Snoop, but will he rap with anyone about anything? Snoop would rap the Koran at Bin Laden's cave if enough money was involved. What the fuck happened to the old gangsta rappers? Dr. Dre does a Dr. Pepper commercial. Ice Cube is starring in PG movies and has a show on TBS. He's like a less gay Tyler Perry.

-Bradley Cooper, Betty White, and Scarlett Johansson present an honorary "Sorry Your Nazi Fetishist Husband Stuck It In Everything With a Pulse" lifetime achievement award to Sandra Bullock. Sandra announces that, contrary to tabloid rumors, she has not gone weeks without bathing; and in fact takes two showers a day. And yet the smell of white supremacist cock remains...

-Michael Cera, two cute but possibly underage chicks, and Macauly Culkin's little brother present Best WTF Moment to Ken Jeong, the little naked Asian guy from Hangover. This will be the only award I approve of the entire evening.

-Only on MTV can someone from a Harry Potter movie beat the Nazi from Inglourious Basterds for Best Villain. Anyway, his name is Tom Felton and when he kisses presenter Eva Mendes SHE VISIBLY WINCES. Nice move, Dungeon Master.

-Throughout the program, MTV keeps showing promos for a new show about a nerdy kid with a gigantic dick. Yes, you read that correctly. I think the show's called My Super Sweet Sixteen Inches, or maybe not.

-I'll bet you're wondering who won Biggest Badass Star, aren't you? A guy named Rain. No really, that's his full name. Rain. He's an Asian kid with an emo haircut and one fucking name. According to Wikipedia (the lazy writer's reference Bible), Rain is a singer, actor, and dancer. Pussified America, you have your Badass.

-Hey, Twilight wins something else. Let me just cut to the chase and tell you right now that Twilight wins everything. I've never seen any of those wretched movies but allow me to summarize based on clips I've seen: Bella, played by Kristen Stewart in all of her twitchy, awkward, anorexic glory, must choose between a sickeningly pale guy who becomes a vampire and a douchey Abercrombie guy who becomes a werewolf. And those are her only two options. She can't date a normal human boy because of her smelly vagina, it seems.

Is it wrong to suggest that we turn all of the theaters showing Twilight into makeshift gas chambers? Hey, I don't want any Holocaust flashbacks, so if you want to just shoot them all, I'm cool with that too.

-Jessica Alba, thank you for being you.

-Christina Aguilera performs and once the song is over, her vag lights up. A heart shaped light starts glowing right on her crotch. I'm guessing it's a VD Detector.

-Zack Galifianakis wins Best Comedic Performance, but the entire thing is ruined by yet another terrible skit. If you're going to win an award called Best Comedic Performance it would help if you weren't in a skit that's not very funny.

-This blog, which started out in 2005 as Viva Las Vegass, has been a miserable and complete failure. Every inane word has been written in vain. Why do I say this? BECAUSE TOM CRUISE IS STILL A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STAR!!! Doesn't the world know that every penny given to this clown goes to indoctrinate the weak-minded into his science fiction religion? I give up.

The strange allure of mediocre lager beers

2010-06-01T20:28:00.000-04:00

Let me let you all in on a little secret: a watery lager from India tastes exactly like a watery lager from every other country on earth, but customers always want their favorite, and will accept no substitute. A lot of the appeal has to do with the circumstances of where the lager was consumed, not its actual taste.

Some guy is in the Caribbean sitting on a beach getting a blowjob from an Island girl (who he doesn't know is actually a tranny) and maybe he's enjoying a beer. That's going to be one good tasting beer, at least in his mind.

Or some other guy goes to a small liberal arts college in the upper Midwest. He goes to a party and gets a blowjob from a busty coed (who he doesn't know is actually a tranny). He'll have fond memories of the cheap local lager he's been swilling all semester.

I had a customer the other day who wanted to know if we could circumvent the three tiered distribution system in order to obtain his favorite swill lager, which he discovered on vacation in Brazil. No, I told him, we were not willing to break Federal law to sell him an eight dollar six pack of beer. He closed by saying, "Man, this stuff is great. I like it a lot better than Bud Light."

Almost every beer we sell is, in its own way, better than Bud Light. In fact, allow me to piss in a cup I found on the street. Just because I have at some point in my life consumed good beer, my urine will taste better than Bud Light. You don't have to illegally import beer from Brazil to achieve such a modest goal.

I did not write the best movie review ever, but I'll get over it in time

2010-05-30T13:53:00.000-04:00

The best movie review ever has just been written by Lindy West, who writes for a Seattle alt newspaper called The Stranger. It's a review of Sex and the City 2; and it's the kind of scathing rebuke of something very popular with certain women that could only be written by a woman. If you want to read the entire review (and you really should) go here, but I've pulled a few choice cuts for your convenience.

"SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it's my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car."

Perfect. Just fucking perfect. But wait, there's more.

"It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls."

Slow clap, '80s teen movie style.

George Carlin once said something to the effect that feminism should be more than just women emulating the very worst behaviors of men, and isn't that what Sex and the City has always been about? Yes, of course you have the right to be shallow and emotionally detached, but do we really have to celebrate that like it's a good thing? We do? Fuck.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to scour the internet to see if an African-American has written a hostile review of Tyler Perry's House of Payne.

Porn Star Eats Banana, Nation Ogles Lustily

2010-05-26T18:34:00.002-04:00

That last post was fairly serious, huh? Yeah, I get a little miffed when my state nominates some douche who wants to set the civil rights movement back 45 fucking years.

But we've got until November to grind Rand Paul's teabagger bones into a fine powder, so let's just relax and look at this picture of Kayden Kross eating a banana.

Do you feel better? I know I do.

Are any of you offended by this? Really? I had no idea elderly women from the Ozarks read this blog. Welcome to Death Wore a Feathered Mullet, ladies; and congrats on solving the vast mystery that is the internet.

I'm not worried about hateful emails, though. They get their blood all angered up and then the USA Network plays a Murder She Wrote marathon and they forget all about it.

"That filthy so and so. I have a good mind to....Wait, what's this? Ed, get in here. Angela Lansbury is on the cables!"

And really, since Ms. Kross is a porn star, they're lucky that's just a banana in her mouth. Witty, huh? I'll be here all week, folks. Be sure to tip your bartenders and cocktail waitresses. Try the buffet.

Why are we still debating this?

2010-05-24T12:52:00.002-04:00

Last week, in their infinite wisdom, Kentucky Republicans selected Tea Party toady Rand Paul as their candidate for the Senate seat being vacated by senile gasbag Jim Bunning. Immediately thereafter, Mr. Paul went on national TV and said he opposed key provisions of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, on the grounds that the government shouldn't be allowed to tell a hypothetical racist business owner who he can serve.

I was willing to give Rand a slight benefit of the doubt and cast him off as a nutty ideologue instead of a racist, mainly because of a Barry Goldwater documentary I saw a few years ago.

Goldwater opposed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 back in 1964, when it was actual news. In the aforementioned documentary, survivors of the civil rights movement, one after the other, stated that Goldwater wasn't racist at all, but was a fervent supporter of state's rights to the detriment of common sense. If black men who lived through segregation are telling me Barry Goldwater wasn't racist, I'm going to believe them. Maybe Rand was a Libertarian version of Barry Goldwater.

But I did some research (googling, which takes one second) and found that Rand Paul opposes gay marriage. So, for those of you scoring at home, Rand Paul is against the government telling a guy he has to sell a sandwich to black people, but all for the government telling a guy who he can and cannot marry. Oh, he also thinks it's fine for the government to prohibit women from having abortions. He's Libertarian when it's convenient for him.

I don't trust people who say they hate government but desperately want to get elected to a government position. It's like a woman saying "I hate prostitution, so I'm going to go to Nevada and get a job at a brothel and sell my pussy the right way." A whore is a whore. And I'm not talking about the prostitute.

Rand Paul, a Libertarian who wants the government to limit certain rights, is a perfect candidate for the Tea Party, whose main constituents are people on medicare who oppose government controlled health care. These contradictions give me a fucking headache, but all of this talk obscures the main question:

WHY ARE WE STILL DEBATING THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT OF 19FUCKING64 IN 2010?

It was passed in 1964, people; HENCE THE NAME. Can we move on? I wasn't born yet, and I'm old as fuck. Rand was in diapers at the time. We have real problems in this country and Rand Paul is upset because some inbred fuck who won a general store at a cock fight is being forced to sell a black guy a watered down cup of bean soup. It's been the law for over 45 years. I think that's plenty of time for bigots to have adjusted their business model.

I've seen the needle and the damage done...

2010-05-20T11:25:00.004-04:00

Aging gracefully is so twentieth century.

There may be a legitimate use for Botox. Perhaps it can aid an idealistic district attorney who was horribly disfigured by toxic chemicals. Other than that, it seems to make people look like they just got beat across the face with a bag of sweet Valencia oranges.

Hey, nobody likes wrinkles - except geriatric porn fetishists - but are wrinkles so bad that you want to become a swollen-faced freak?

For the extremely vain, haven't we tortured enough rabbits to come up with a decent concealer? For example, if a few gray hairs really bothered me, I could either touch them up with something like Just For Men (the concealer route) or shave my head and wear an outrageously bogus looking toupee (the Botox route). It doesn't seem like that tough a decision. I do neither, because three or four gray hairs is the least of my problems, but I'll save that for another post.

About five years ago my brother and I were at a local casino in Las Vegas playing the Wheel of Fortune quarter slots (we are big time gamblers!). In my periphery I could see the quintessential Vegas "old broad" heading our way. She had skin like saddle leather, a Botoxed face with the requisite bee-stung lips, GIGANTIC fake breasts, and held a cigarette in one hand and a gin martini in the other. She may have been quite the showgirl back in her day, but by 2005 she was a walking cautionary tale.

As she approached, we hit a minor "jackpot" on the slot machine; and I mean minor as in a few dollars. The woman stopped, looked at us, and said in a voice that suggested she gargled with molten lava, "Everybody wins when April Diamond walks by."

And she was right. We were the big winners. We were the big winners in the casino that night. That is unintentional comedy gold for the win.

Same as it ever was...

2010-05-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

The primary elections were held in Kentucky Tuesday, and there were some interesting results. Ok, that's a lie: None of the results were interesting at all.

For Louisville mayor, I supported local businessman Tyler Allen in the Democratic primary. Allen ran a clean, honorable campaign in which he proposed new ideas instead of the same tired "solutions" that never work. Needless to say, he was absolutely crushed by his competition.

I voted for Tyler Allen mainly because he opposes the ridiculous Ohio River Bridge Project, which, if ever completed, would make Louisville's downtown look like this, at a cost of 4.1 BILLION dollars and counting. Yes, that's a highway hovering over Louisville's nice, unassuming minor league baseball stadium.

Of course, I'm really not all that concerned because of this city's history of complete failure when it comes to updating our infrastructure. If that concrete monstrosity is ever actually built, no one reading this will still be alive to drive on it. It'll take that long.

The guy who won the Democratic mayoral primary has never uttered one sentence of substance. Seriously, he brags about it on his website. I'd actually vote for a Republican for mayor if he was simply a fiscal conservative, but that's never the way it works around here. The local Republican candidate is almost always some snake handler who speaks in tongues and is scared of the gays. I admittedly know nothing about the Republican running this year, but I'm sure he'll eventually make me ashamed to be a member of the human race.

Speaking of which...crazy teabagger Rand Paul, who believes all of our government services should be paid for by magical fairies or something, won the Republican congressional primary. Several of his nutty tea party supporters were arrested yesterday for voter intimidation, so he has that going for him, which is nice. When the state's semi-literate hillbillies send this clown to Washington this Fall, I'll die a little bit more inside.

This Just In: Internet Cock-n-Balls Award to Make Life Worth Living

2010-05-13T13:01:00.001-04:00

The good folks over at Ed's Funny Pages just bestowed a major award on yours truly. I won a prestigious (and homoerotically phallic) 2010 Funniest Blogger Award. I appreciate the recognition, even though they spelled "be careful" as one word. I'm guessing the panel of judges loves self-loathing and hates Sarah Palin. That is the only way this blog could have won anything these days.

I would also like to thank Kate, who nominated me for this honor. I used to have a searing lust for Kate, but she had to go and ruin it by getting married. How dare she not enable my pathetic internet fantasies! However, this gesture makes me love her all over again. Kate, if you ever want to leave your happy life in Kansas City for one of abject poverty and misery in Louisville, I'm your guy!

Of course, now I feel obligated to be funny all the time, to not cheapen nor sully the yellow dick trophy given to me by an internet stranger. This could prove to be a huge god damn burden. But thanks anyway!

More on Palin, like it or not

2010-05-10T21:12:00.001-04:00

Even though my last post has received an all-time DWAFM low of ZERO comments (thanks a fucking lot), I'm going to bash Sarah Palin some more, because it makes me feel better.

A couple of smartasses have written a book entitled Going Rouge: Sarah Palin, An American Nightmare. I haven't read it yet, but I'm guessing it takes a massive shit into Sarah's gaping mouth.

I have, however, read the comments/user reviews over at its Google Products page. Pure hilarity. Let's look at some of them, shall we?

First of all, there are those who don't know the difference between the book Going Rogue, written by Sarah Palin's ghostwriter, and the parody Going Rouge.

For example, Virginia Burgess-bronga wrote, "This book by Sarah Palin was informative and inspirational. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and encouraged all my friends to get it which they did and enjoyed it too!"

So apparently Ms. Burgess-bronga, who obviously can't read and is a big liar, not only believes that Sarah Palin wrote a book entitled Sarah Palin, An American Nightmare, but also encouraged her friends who meet at Olive Garden every Thursday for lunch to read it or at least pretend to.

But she's not alone. D. Ingram adds, "I very much appreciated the opportunity to read about the life of Sarah Palin. She is the real deal. She truly believes in God, Country and the American people. At the time of the election we just couldn't see it through the political machine that was created by all the handlers."

First of all, internet person who is REVIEWING THE WRONG BOOK, Sarah Palin only cares about herself. Period. And really? The problem wasn't her ineptitude, but the fact that McCain's people tried to hide the depth of said ineptitude? Well, that's a different, albeit completely retarded, way of looking at it.

Reviewer LadyDi22 has the right review site but picked up the wrong book. She writes, in a princessly fashion of course, "The cover is eerily similar to her's. I had to make another trip to Walmart to return it."

While you were at Wal-Mart you should have also returned the unnecessary apostrophe you added to the word "hers", you fucking moron.

There are more like that, but let's turn our attention to Sarah's Tea Party followers, the shit-for-brains fuck-for-alls who make modern life damn near unbearable.

Marketing genius Richard Matson titles his review "Ripoff Book!" and states, "Knowing they wouldn't sell a single copy using any other title! They cower to the gutter mentality of ripoff artists using rewording of Sarah Palin's all time record for non-fiction pre-release book!"

So their strategy was to fool stupid Palin supporters into thinking they were buying her book? If I, as a Democrat, buy a book entitled Obama: Socialist or Anti-Christ? and think to myself, "Wow, I have just purchased a fair-minded glimpse into the life of our president," I am a fucking tool and deserve to be force-fed a dissenting opinion.

Take Brett Goodlin, for example. He kept simpleton drool off his laptop long enough to type, "This book was printed with the sole intention of being deceptive and it worked. I was meaning to buy this book as a gift and I saw Going Rouge and Sarah Palin. I obviously didn't look too close, but shame shame shame on the publishers for ruining one of my Christmas gifts!"

You sure didn't look too close, Brett, because "Rouge" and "Rogue" are two fucking different words. Close, yes...but they have vastly different meanings. Oh, the intricate maze that is the English language, your god damn native tongue!!! And, I'll repeat yet again, the word "NIGHTMARE" is on the cover. Too bad about Christmas, but you tried to get through life by simply recognizing colors and shapes, Brett...and your Aunt Hildie paid the price!

A lot of reviewers, way too many to name here, warn the unsuspecting public that "This ain't Sarah's book! It's a fake!" Oh, if only PrincessDi22 had heeded those warnings. It would have saved her a trip to Wal-Mart! And they all write it like they've discovered a vast left wing conspiracy. They're so fucking PROUD of themselves for figuring out that Sarah Palin: An American Nightmare ISN'T GOING TO FLATTER SARAH PALIN! "It's got two different titles. By god, these might be two separate books!" Yes, Agatha Cunting Christie, Sarah Palin didn't call herself a nightmare in the title of her book. Nice find.

Then you have the people who've never read the book (or any book, ever) but "review" it by espousing their stone age political beliefs.

Bouldergirl283 exposes her paranoia by asking, "Where is the book questioning Obama's true experience or agenda?" I don't understand the question. Is she suggesting that Sarah Palin: An American Nightmare should question Obama's agenda? Now that would be a deceptively titled book! Or is she implying that there are no anti-Obama books on the market? If Bouldergirl would stop loitering by the literature shelf at Big Lots and enter an actual bookstore, she would see more anti-Obama books than she could pretend to read in a lifetime (a lifetime that will undoubtedly be cut short by a crippling Meth addiction).

Someone named Ultra Magnus suggests "How about the left wing comes out with a book called 'Al Gore: American hypocrite'" (at least I think that's a suggestion). They should totally do that. A group of left wing authors, all of whom support Al Gore, should go ahead and write a book calling him a hypocrite. And they shouldn't capitalize "hypocrite" in the title. That would really frustrate a dull ol' policy wonk like Gore. "Tipper, some people wrote an unflattering book about me. They're entitled to their opinions and all, but why did they have to title it like a fucking dickhead?"

There are a lot of books that attack Obama, the Clintons, etc. I'll never read a word of any of them, but it doesn't bother me that they exist. These people are public figures (and millionaires) and unflattering press is part of what they signed up for. The people who are so upset that poor helpless Sarah was attacked need to put down the National Enquirer and relax.

I go "FJM" on Ted Nugent (and Sarah Palin)

2010-05-07T22:11:00.000-04:00

There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

This month in Time magazine, guitar legend Ted Nugent took time out from shooting animals with arrows to write a short essay on Sarah Palin. It's a piece of work.

If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.

I submit that Sarah's voice is a "loud, grinding instrument" that would shame any electric guitar. And Ted Nugent still has a band? Was there a Damn Yankees reunion I was unaware of?

The independent patriotic spirit, attitude and soul of our forefathers are alive and well in Sarah.

I always thought to myself, "If Thomas Jefferson was alive today he'd be shooting moose from a helicopter."

In the way she lives, what she says and how she dedicates herself to make America better in these interesting times, she represents the good, while exposing the bad and ugly.

By "exposing the bad and ugly" I guess Ted is talking about the slime who hold up racist signs at Tea Party Rallies. They wouldn't be exposed without their hero, Sarah. I can't for the life of me figure out how she "represents the good", but she did help Tina Fey's career, and Tina is pretty cool.

She embraces the critical duty of we the people by participating in this glorious experiment in self-government.

I don't know what this sentence means. There is no "self-government". We all use government roads, government schools, government emergency services, etc. When I buy a copy of Time magazine just so I can wipe my ass with Ted's moronic article, I'll be thanking the local government and its sewers when I flush it down the toilet.

The tsunami of support proves that Sarah represents what many Americans know to be common and sensible.

I think it proves the American lust for the lowest common denominator. People of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin is not one of you. Just because she shares your mind-numbing distrust of intellectualism doesn't mean she's going to use her millions of dollars to help you pay the mortgage.

Her rugged individualism, self-reliance and a herculean work ethic resonate now more than ever in a country spinning away from these basics that made the U.S.A. the last best place.

Herculean work ethic? Sarah Palin quit her job as Alaskan governor so she could write a "book" and suck at the reality TV teet. I can't think of anyone who works as little for so much money. Even Paris Hilton throws us a sex tape every few months.

We who are driven to be assets to our families, communities and our beloved country connect with the principles that Sarah Palin embodies.

No, we don't. Despite what Fox News or Rush Limbaugh might tell you, Sarah Palin is a fringe figurehead for a fringe movement.

We know that bureaucrats and, even more, Fedzilla, are not the solution; they are the problem.

Hey, we agree on something. Since Sarah Palin is your solution, I'm afraid that's where we part company.

I'd be proud to share a moose-barbecue campfire with the Palin family anytime, so long as I can shoot the moose.

Ha, good one, Ted. You could write for Leno with those zingers.

Upper Class Douchebag "Accidentally" Kills Ex

2010-05-04T18:30:00.002-04:00

Is this the Jonas Brother's less-gay cousin? No, it's college lacrosse player George Huguely. The other night he kicked in the dorm room door of his former girlfriend, Yeardly Love, and slammed her head against a wall until she died.

His sleazy bottom-feeder attorney was quoted as saying "..we are confident that Ms. Love's death was not intended, but an accident with a tragic outcome."

Accidents happen, right?

What's that? The lawyer's a sniveling piece of human garbage? Hey, you're right! Fuck that guy!

I guess Huguely's upbringing, which no doubt consisted of sass-talking a series of maids and man-servants, left him unable to determine how many vicious head slams to a wall it takes to make a point without killing someone. I'm sure his attorney will use this as a defense.

Scumbag lawyer: "Given Mr. Huguely's privileged background, he was unaware of the perils of physical abuse. His parents abused one another via icy stares, infidelity, and passive-aggressive quips."

Obviously, it doesn't matter to the victim or her family whether her killer was a gang member or a spoiled, lacrosse playing nancy. I just hope his affluence doesn't lead some judge or jury to take it easy on him. I have a feeling if this pretty boy ever makes it to prison his head is going to be repeatedly slammed into a wall. And by "head" I mean his asshole, and by "wall" I mean his cellmate's cock.

What, was Marcy Playground busy?

2010-04-30T00:22:00.003-04:00

I moved to Henderson, Nevada in the fall of 2002. I secured a job at a place called Organized Living and often walked there from my apartment. On the way I'd cut through a shopping center, and someone had written in cement, right in front of a Borders bookstore, "Candlebox Rules". By reading this I immediately knew one thing: The shopping center was built in 1993. Oh, and I knew that the person who wrote that was a complete tool. So two things...

I mention this because last night, which I believe was April 29, 2010, Candlebox played in Louisville at the Kroger Fest-a-Ville (see what they did there? It was a festival in Louisville, so they called it Fest-a-Ville).

"Great name, boss. How can we make this event even better?"

"Let's get that band the kids are nuts for....what's their name? Candlebox. They're one of those grunge bands you hear so much about."

I was there last night. I wasn't really paying attention to Candlebox, though. Every year as a lead-up to the Kentucky Derby, they set up a bunch of food and alcohol vendors by the riverfront and people gather to drink a lot and eat fried dough. I was there for that. Candlebox was just a "bonus". And I mean it was a bonus in the same way that getting herpes would be the bonus of fucking a hot chick. Candlebox still sucks, is what I'm getting at.

At one point I heard the lead singer say, "It's been a long time, Louisville." A long time since what? Since he showered? Since someone PAID to see them perform? Since the bass player could finish a show without his hip aching? Since teenagers didn't routinely ask "Candlebox? Who's that?"

I wanted to walk to the front of the stage and shout "PLAY SOMETHING FROM YOUR POORLY-RECEIVED SOPHOMORE ALBUM!!!" but I resisted the urge.

A Day at the Revolution Islam Offices

2010-04-25T01:49:00.003-04:00

The other day the group Revolution Islam issued thinly veiled death threats against South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. How thinly veiled were these threats? You wish a condom was this fucking thin. That's how thin.

Funny enough, the group is based out of New York City. You may have heard of the town: Largest city in the United States, site of the deadliest terrorist attack in our nation's history, etc. These guys get to enjoy the fruits of NYC while praising the people who tried to destroy it; and you know what? That's free speech, as much as it may piss us off. But death threats meant to censor through intimidation the men who invented Eric Cartman? Fuck that shit. I decided to send a member of the vaunted Death Wore a Feathered Mullet news team to the Revolution Islam offices. He recorded the following conversation:

Extremist 1

"Have you tried the new Dark Cherry Mocha at Starbucks? Very tasty. Death to America."

Extremist 2

"Yes, it was quite delicious despite being assembled by an infidel."

"I am going to the strip club tonight. The tall blonde daughter of Satan is performing."

"I can only think of what a godless pig she is as she thrusts her taut breasts in my face."

"She will not be one of the 72 virgins who pleasures us in the afterlife, that's for sure."

"Ha ha. Good one. Enough small talk, though. We need a scapegoat for our irrational hatred."

"I was watching South Park last night. They mocked Mohammad."

"No they didn't!"

"Yes they did."

"Well...since we're based in NYC we can't openly threaten the lives of the creators. What can we do?"

"We can post a picture of the corpse of someone killed by Islamic extremists and suggest that the same thing could happen to them if they don't play ball."

"Brilliant idea. Let's order a pizza and celebrate."

"At least if we get a pizza we'll know it was not made by Jews."

Flunky extremist

"Hey guys, good news! Our jhad snuggies were just delivered."

NOTE: Hi, my name's Dane Cook and I guest-blogged on this post; so if any Muslim extremists are mad about this, I'm the guy you need to kill and cut up into tiny pieces.

Yuck!

2010-04-20T10:03:00.004-04:00

Yeah, so they named the new arena that's being built in downtown Louisville. The powers that be ignored my suggestion of "Downtown Arena" (it tells you what it is and where it's located) to go with The KFC Yum! Center. No, really. And yes, that is a Taco Bell logo on the roof. *sigh*

I realize someone has to pay for this money-sucking albatross, but corporations always go the extra mile when it comes to hucksterism. I'd have absolutely no problem if the arena was simply called The KFC Center. I was hoping Dad's Muffler Shop (where there's "No Muff Too Tuff") would win the inevitable naming battle, but since they didn't, why not KFC? It's the Yum! part, complete with exclamation point, that annoys me. For fuck's sake, do they have to beat us over the head with the worst company name of all time? Does there have to be Pizza Hut and Taco Bell logos on the roof? When has Louisville ever been associated with a double melty crunchy-max gordita? Worst of all, it just doesn't sound like a place where you watch basketball games and concerts. "Hey, let's skip on down to the Yum! Center and eat gummy bears sprinkled with fairie dust."

With naming rights come concession rights, which means we won't be able to get anything decent to eat at the arena. This is good news for all of the local restaurants that are popping up near the construction site. If I'm a restaurant owner and my main competition for dining dollars is a heat-lamp-warmed personal pan pizza, I'm leasing a Rolls Royce and auditioning trophy wives. Well, maybe not...but I'd buy a new pair of jeans and a jaunty hat!

I'm sure the arena is going to be a state of the art facility blah blah blah; it just has a stupid name. Locals are already calling it "The KFC Bucket" so I guess it doesn't matter what our corporate overlords want. The people have spoken.

I probably won't go to a lot of basketball games there. I love the University of Louisville, but the last game I went to at old Freedom Hall just plain got on my nerves. Every timeout was sponsored by someone: "This season-ending knee injury was brought to you by the Norton Hospital Bone and Joint Center." At one point, a camera panned the crowd and fans were encouraged to "act crazy" to win a Kroger supermarket card. As people whored themselves out for free groceries, I wanted to take the courtside microphone and scream out "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!" all Russell Crowe like.

"That what you fear the most, could meet you halfway..."

2010-04-16T10:13:00.000-04:00

Let's look into the future, shall we?

911 Call, November 3, 2011

Caller

"My house is on fire! Please...please send someone."

911 Operator

"Could I have your address, ma'am?"

Caller

"2368 Edmond Way."

911

"I have a truck headed there right now. Oh....wait a minute...."

Caller

"What? What?!"

911

"Says here you're a member of the Tea Party."

Caller

"How do you know....uh, what difference does it make? My house is burning down! Everything I own! My cat is in there!"

911

"Yeah, well Tea Party members are no longer eligible for 'socialist' services such as police, EMS, fire department, etc. We wouldn't want to compromise your deeply held beliefs."

Caller

"Is this some kind of a joke?"

911

"Well, I'm laughing on the inside, but I'm not joking. The government you hate so much is going to let your house burn to the ground."

Caller

"This is Obama's fault!"

911

"Oh, totally. It was his idea. And tomorrow he's going to fly in on Airforce One and personally take a piss on the charred remnants of your dwelling. Then he's going to put his black cock in your daughter and/or younger sister."

Caller

"WHAT THE..."

911

"Not really, I'm just playing on your worst fears. If he has time he might piss on your house, but he's not going to rape anyone."

Caller

"THIS IS BULLSHIT! I DEMAND YOU SEND SOMEONE TO PUT OUT THIS FIRE!!"

911

"Why don't you get Sarah Palin to help you out?"

(hangs up)

Retail lies

2010-04-14T16:54:00.003-04:00

The biggest lie of retail is, of course, "The customer is always right." That saying, regardless of who it is falsely attributed to, was almost certainly uttered by (A) a customer; or (B) some rich suit who never had to deal with the general public. I can assure you that the customer is frequently wrong and is getting "wronger" every day.

If you want to reinforce your belief that society is getting dumber, crueler, less patient, and just completely insufferable, ask someone who has to wait on the public. They'll tell you that the public can get ass-fucked with a broomstick. People want diamonds but they only want to pay for coal. And you'd best get it to them yesterday, with a big ol' smile plastered on your face.

I want to own my own business so I can tell assholes that they are, in fact, assholes. The other day I took this neck brace-wearing douchebag to our well-marked selection of South African wines. Did the man say, "Well, thank you for allowing me to go through life never reading signs"? No. He scanned the wines for a second and proclaimed, "This is it? This is a rather incomplete selection of South African wines. In fact, it's pathetic."

FUCK. YOU. Buy your own liquor store, you snotty prick. When I offered to summon our wine manager for him to belittle, he sneered, "I know more about South African wines than he does."

"Oh, I don't doubt that," I said as I took my absence of his annoying presence. And by "Oh, I don't doubt that" I meant "Someone put you in that neck brace for being a piece of shit, didn't they? I hope it spreads to your brain, dickhead. And your wife looks like Ernest Borgnine."

Another closely related big lie of retail is this: In this recession, you need to kiss every customer's ass. They are all valuable.

Wrong. Some customers are more trouble than they're worth, especially in the liquor business. Twenty-five-year-old dudes want to bring their Hanna Montanaesque teenage fuck-buddies to a liquor store and then throw a fit when asked for her I.D. These people are worthless and should be drowned in the river on local television.

In most cases, service is overrated. It's all about price-point and convenience, with product a distant third. Don't believe me? Look at Wal-Mart. Have you ever asked one of their glassy-eyed employees for help? You might as well try to get a decent South African wine where I work!!! It ain't happenin'.

In short, go fuck yourself, America.

Corporations suck

2010-04-07T22:31:00.004-04:00

Our small 6-store chain of liquor stores was recently purchased by a large Canadian conglomerate that owns several stores in Canada and Alaska. Our stores are their first venture into the continental United States. Hooray. Lucky fucking us.

Since this is the second time I've worked somewhere that has changed ownership, I can say this without hesitation: When a small company is purchased by a larger company, the employees are about to be fucked straight up the pooper, be it by greed or gross incompetence or a deadly combination of both.

Both times we, as employees, were told the new company has "deep pockets". I assure you those "deep pockets" NEVER result in more money for anyone other than upper upper management and stockholders. Do you honestly think a corporation will give you a shiny penny if it doesn't have to?

To put it bluntly, corporations don't care about you, your loved ones, your health, your happiness, or your miserable fucking existence. The only thing they care about is squeezing as much work out of you as possible while paying you as little as they can. And they will never, ever be satisfied. Ever. If you work seventy hours FOR FREE someone will complain that you aren't working eighty hours. And the guy complaining will be a dull, dim-witted, fake asshole in a 37-piece suit who makes more in a month than you make in a year.

When I worked at Organized Living the first thing new management did was change our dress code to make us all look like complete fucking tools. It wasn't enough to leave work at the end of the day poor, exhausted, and frustrated. They wanted us to leave WITHOUT A SHRED OF HUMAN DIGNITY. Mission accomplished, fuckers. Want to go to an Organized Living and laugh at the poor bastards and their insipid clown outfits? Too bad, because Organized Living was driven to bankruptcy by greed and gross incompetence, less than a year after it was taken over by clueless shits.

At the liquor store we had a modest dress code based on common sense: no open-toed shoes due to safety reasons, no nut-hugging short shorts, no t-shirts that read "Cum Dumpster", etc. The new company is making us all dress alike, just like employees dressed alike at Circuit City and Linens n Things and Sharper Image and all of the other soulless corporate cesspools that have gone out of business recently. Yes, I know they have uniforms at successful retails chains, but this isn't Target; it's a god damn liquor store. We sell alcohol to people who can't function without it. They aren't going to notice our matching polos! This policy was put into place so some overpaid, underworked, worthless piece of corporate garbage could justify his outrageous salary.

We are no longer allowed to wear shorts, no matter how hot and humid it gets this summer. This won't affect those of us up front, in the air conditioning. But I used to work upstairs in the warehouse. I know how hot it gets up there. So now, because of a random decision by some nancy-boy who has never lifted a heavy case of liquor in his life and lives in a place where the temperature never rises above seventy, our warehouse guys have to be poor and exhausted and FUCKING MISERABLE every day. For no reason. For no reason other than to satisfy the whim of a man who has never known a day of physical labor. The company won't make one extra cent because our warehouse guys are wearing jeans in ninety-five degree heat.

Oh, speaking of unconscionable stupidity, we are never notified of price changes. REPEAT: WE DON'T KNOW OF A PRICE CHANGE UNTIL IT RINGS UP AT A REGISTER AND A CUSTOMER (almost always a grumpy old man) YELLS AT US FOR TRYING TO STEAL FROM HIM! Nothing makes me happier than being yelled at by a bitter, quasi-senile skinflint over twenty cocksucking cents. Will this change in the foreseeable future? Fuck no. Why should it? What do the corporate vipers care? They're being fawned over by a gaggle of boot-licking toadies and sniveling yes-men. No problem there.

I really appreciate and envy people who work for small, independent businesses; or those who start their own business. They don't have to play the pointless corporate games. I know every job is kind of a hassle in its own way, but it would be nice to work for someone who didn't intentionally make it worse.

This bottle is the bane of my existence

2010-04-01T21:50:00.001-04:00

This is the limited edition Maker's Mark John Calipari bottle. It will be released to the general public tomorrow at 9am. It is truly the work of the devil.

For those of you who don't follow sports, John Calipari is the head coach of the University of Kentucky men's basketball team. He just completed his first season in that capacity, so of course he totally deserves to be immortalized on a bottle of bourbon.

When I first saw this bottle I was pleasantly surprised: I thought Maker's was honoring Al Pacino's work in the Godfather trilogy. But then I read the "Calipari" part at the bottom, and I threw up for a solid hour. On the bright side, I can now fit into the shorts that were too small for me last summer.

Others, namely University of Kentucky fans, are extremely excited about this bottle. Outrageously, obsessively, ANNOYINGLY excited. Every five-point-two seconds, the phone at work rings, and a voice dripping with coal dust and moonshine screams "You gonna git that Calipari bottle?" It is a relentless army of people who won't/can't read the ten million press releases telling them the exact day and time of the bottle's release, but somehow have our phone number committed to memory.

I'm no proponent of stereotyping, and it would be truly unfair to suggest that all University of Kentucky fans are stump-stupid hill people, but I say without fear of contradiction that a fucking lot of them are, and this bottle is the best thing that has ever happened in their heartbreakingly empty lives. Even people at work who are UK fans are tired of talking to this lunatic fringe.

Tomorrow morning, before we open, people will line up outside of our store for the privilege of buying the bottle. These people don't work, it seems. A lot of them also live in dry counties, because they think alcohol not cloaked in UK blue is Satan's elixir, so they'll have to drive to a reasonable city. When we finally open the doors they'll stampede toward the bottles like Lindsay Lohan attacking a cock covered in cocaine.

I had hoped there would be frigid temperatures. And gale force winds. And a cold, stinging rain. And hail the size of medicine balls. And a plague of locusts. Unfortunately, the weather is supposed to be perfect, which proves the old saying "God protects fools."

I started playing the lottery a few weeks ago, hoping to strike it rich and purchase our entire allotment. I was going to stand in the middle of our parking lot and smash every single bottle, cackling maniacally as they shattered against the pavement. The corn-fed masses would be powerless to stop me, for my elite special forces security team would savagely beat anyone who'd even dare give me an awkward glance. I didn't win, of course, so the regularly scheduled tragedy goes on.

Note to people who don't live in Kentucky: This is NOT an April Fool's Day prank. There are actually grown adults who are going to get up early and wait in line for a bottle of whiskey.

"Indian Matt" to Host MTV Movie Awards...and other news

2010-03-24T21:10:00.001-04:00

-This is actor/comedian Aziz Ansari. I call him "Indian Matt" because he looks EXACTLY like my friend/coworker Matt, except that Matt is a white guy of unknown (at least to me) ancestry. Matt and Aziz share the same facial features, haircut, and beard; and I think Matt owns that exact same shirt/hoody combo.

I guess I could call Matt "Whitey Aziz" but I've known Matt longer than I've been aware of the existence of Mr. Ansari.

Also, Aziz was born in South Carolina so is of course a U.S. citizen, but "U.S. Citizen of Indian Descent Matt", while politically correct, is a bit tonguebersome (TM), don't you think?

-I just read on Yahoo! - my favorite exclamation-suffixed source of news -that an 84-yr-old woman is suing her 87-yr-old sister over ownership of a $500,000 winning lottery ticket. No need to fight, ladies. There's plenty of money for both of you to have extravagant funerals.

-Here's some fun news. According to a recent poll, 24 percent of Republicans think that President Obama is the anti-Christ. Repeat: Almost one in four Republicans think the president has evil magical powers and will one day engage a resurrected Jesus Christ in a fight for our eternal souls. Let that sink in for a minute.

This is obviously the Sarah Palin/Tea Party faction. In my opinion, these brain-dead delusionals are getting far too much attention. There are a lot of crazy people in this country, of all political mindsets, but if you really believe Barack Obama is the Biblical anti-Christ, you are fucknutty and deserve to be marginalized. And by "marginalized" I really mean "beaten without mercy in front of your stunned home-schooled children." God damn it, I'm tired of pretending that this isn't the dumbest society in recorded history! The old fuck who said "Keep government away from my Medicare" should be on the new five dollar bill. He's like Abe Lincoln, only he's emancipating us from rational thought and the common sense god gave a piss ant.

-Can we all agree that Dancing With the Stars is a tragic waste of the human spirit?

I go "FJM" on some stupid Leno supporter

2010-03-23T14:20:00.001-04:00

There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

Today I'm going after some guy named Terry Gardner, who wrote a rather flaccid defense of Leno on a major political blog.

NBC and Jeff Zucker deserve hazing. In 1775, we would have tarred and feathered them. But cut Jay some slack.

Yeah, leave good ol' nice guy Jay alone! He's just mindlessly following his upper-management masters like any good corporate shill.

Jay didn't feather his 10 o'clock bed -- Jeff Zucker and the peacock did.

Yes, Jeff Zucker is an incompetent douchebag, but I didn't realize he held Jay Leno at gunpoint and forced him to half-ass it through the lowest rated, most critically despised prime time show in television history. I thought Jay took the job because he's a greedy attention-whore. My bad.

I don't want talk at 10. I want comedy, drama or variety (like the old Carol Burnett show) at 10. So does most of America.

Wrong, fuckface. America wants drunken oral sex at 10. When we can't have that, we'll settle for scripted dramas. You know, the kind NBC jettisoned to appease Leno's massive ego.

In 2004, Zucker and NBC decided Jay should retire in 2009, so they wouldn't lose Conan O'Brien to Fox.

Jay had ALL the power in 2004; all of it. All he had to do was shitcan the idea and Conan would have been free to go to Fox and either succeed or fail on his own terms. Instead, he allowed NBC to string Conan along, actively contributed to Conan's poor ratings with the shittiest lead in ever, and then openly campaigned for his old job back after a few short months.

In the spring of 2009, the "not yet ready to retire" Jay graciously surrendered his throne to Conan. He was willing to give 10 p.m. a shot.

By giving 10 p.m. "a shot" he undermined and cheapened Conan's show. Suddenly, Conan had to compete for guests with his own network. That doesn't sound like a gracious surrender to me.

When Johnny Carson retired it was his idea, not NBC's.

If you believe Bill Carter, who wrote a book on the subject, Carson was forced out by bungling NBC execs at the behest of Leno's ruthless ex-manager. But why let facts get in the way of a fuckwit opinion, right Terry?

So why is anyone surprised that Jay would want his time slot back, when it was never his choice to "retire" in 2009?

Jay made the following statement on NATIONAL TELEVISION in 2004:

“When I took this show over, boy there was a lot of animosity between me and Dave, and who’s gonna get it, and quite frankly, a lot of, what I thought, were good friendships were permanently damaged. And I don’t want to see anybody ever have to go through that again. Because, you know this show is like a dynasty, you hold it, and then you hand it off to the next person. And I don’t wanna see all the fighting and all the ‘who’s better’ and nasty things back and forth in the press, so right now, here it is, Conan, it’s yours, see you in 5 years buddy. Clear enough?”

Yeah, that was pretty clear. Again, that quote was broadcast coast to coast on what was at the time a major television network. It seems like Jay made the "choice" to retire rather than screw over Conan in the same manner Letterman got screwed; and then when the time came, he made the "choice" to go back on his word. Did he mean what he said in 2004? Doesn't matter. He said it in front of the world. Either way, Jay Leno is a fucking liar. It's just a matter of whether he's been one for months or years.

Then the author tells a few anecdotes to back up his assertion that Jay is just a misunderstood saint.

When Jay was Johnny's guest host once a week, I was pursuing stand up comedy, and I sold him a few jokes. We never met, but we had a couple of interactions.

When I first read this, I feared a glory hole story was in the works.
Before the '92 election, I submitted a joke about Pat Buchanan: "Pat Buchanan has a cure for poverty -- he wants to place a box tax on the homeless."

No wonder this guy is a Leno supporter. The tragically unfunny tend to stick together.

I was thrilled when I heard Jay deliver that joke. Just hearing a comedian you admire deliver your joke is a gift in itself.

I'll wait while you clean the vomit off of your computer.

But then I didn't get paid, and I did want the money too. So I faxed the number where I submitted jokes (back before email). I re-faxed the submission that included the box tax joke and asked to be paid for it. In less than 24 hours, Jay Leno called my home and left a message on my answering machine. He apologized and said he writes and sees so many jokes that he thought he had written the joke in question.

Oh, so you called Jay Leno out for stealing your joke so he went ahead and paid you? That changes everything! I'm sure the support staff at Conan's show, the ones who aren't millionaires and moved their families from New York to Los Angeles, just fell in love with Jay all over again! Yeah, they're jobless and 3,000 miles from family and friends, but Jay Leno once acknowleged a mistake to a hack fucking joke writer. All is well!

All I expected was to get a check for $50. Jay didn't have to call and apologize, but he did -- because it was the right thing to do.

And because it's easy for Jay to do the right thing when it's only going to cost him $50 and a phone call.

And as a baby stand up comic at the time, I really appreciated it. I still have the answering machine tape. I saved it because Jay sounded like such a nice, decent guy.

He originally added, "In fact, I often pound off in front of a funhouse mirror to the sounds of Jay's whiny voice," but his editors made him take that part out.

My last contact with Jay's office was shortly before he ascended the Tonight Show throne.

All hail King Jay and his Empire of Crap!

I had submitted some jokes and included a funny story I heard in church. Pastor Tony Campolo was trying to motivate parishioners in Philadelphia to get out and vote, when a little old lady stood up and said: "If God had wanted me to vote, he would have given us candidates."

That MAY have been funny if you were there. But we weren't there, were we? Not funny.

Jay began making the rounds on talk shows as the heir apparent to Carson. In almost every appearance, his election year observation was that "if God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." Suddenly, I worried: What's the penalty for stealing jokes in church?

See, this is the comedic arc of that joke:

1) Uttered by a cranky old lady in church? Funny.

2) Repeated by a struggling comedy writer? Not funny.

3) Appropriated by a famous comedian as political wisdom? Pathetic.

I didn't want $50 for myself -- it wasn't my line, but I worried that the Big Guy -- God, might be mad at me.

First, thanks for clearing up who you meant when you said "Big Guy". At first I thought you were talking about Art Carlson, station manager of WKRP. Also, God is mad at you, Terry. He's pissed that he created you free of obvious mental and physical deficiencies and placed you in one of the few locations on Earth with abundant food and water, only to have you repay Him by thinking Jay Leno is funny. God fucking hates you, dude.

I got in touch with Jay's office, explained my fears -- worried that I'd stolen a joke in church. I asked if Jay would make a $50 contribution to Tony Campolo's ministry. He did.

Jay's office? Here's the conversation that took place, I'm betting:

Underling: "Some fucking nutjob is worried he's going to hell because he sent Jay a joke he heard in church."

Sycophant: "Jesus, is this the asshole with the Pat Buchanan joke?"

Underling: "Yeah, same guy."

Sycophant: "Here...here's fifty bucks out of my own pocket. Anything to get this looney prick to leave us alone."

Jay Leno is a nice guy. He's not stealing Conan's job any more than Conan snatched Jay's job back in 2004.

Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts! Jay is a backstabbing hypocrite. Conan wanted to know his options before he resigned with NBC. That's all. Conan was ready to go to Fox and would have made a lot more money had he left. He stayed because "nice guy" Jay gave his word that The Tonight Show would be his after five years.

But enough of this Terry Gardner prick. David Letterman, as usual, had the best, most bitingly sarcastic comment on all of this:

"I know Jay's a humanitarian, because every time I pick up the newspaper there's Jay helping someone who ran out of gas or stopping to fix their flat. He's a humanitarian and a man of the people...he will, of course, do the right thing. He will probably, if I had to bet, step aside and let Conan continue as the host of The Tonight Show. Because that's the kind of guy he is, putting others first."

It's funny because he knows it isn't true.

Society's absolute nadir

2010-03-17T00:55:00.003-04:00

I've come to a startling, sobering conclusion recently: Society is too stupid to shop.

Oh, some people can still manage the challenging task of purchasing goods and services, but the majority are simply lost. They stumble around aimlessly, with the stunned look of dairy cattle on their faces, seemingly unable to read or even recognize shapes. They're so engrossed in their vapid cell phone conversations they can't be bothered to not run into inanimate objects and/or other humans. They seem impatient when they have to wait in line, but are NEVER ready to pay when they get to the front. "Oh, I have to pay? American society isn't based on a barter system? I had no idea. Let me dig through this elaborate network of pockets to find my credit card. I swear it's somewhere in this pleather labyrinth."

The other day I asked a young lady if she wanted to process her card as credit or debit. Her reply will haunt my thoughts until the last soothing wave of senility washes over me.

"Uh...the one where you put in the numbers."

The one where you put in the numbers? C'mon, YOU CAN DO BETTER! At least she picked an option. Most of the time, I get, "It doesn't matter. You decide."

I can decide? It's up to me? Then you're gonna pay me with your life. How about that? Oh, you're an attractive girl? How about a handjob while I shove a finger up your ass and we'll call it even? It's your money, make a fucking decision.

And do you know how many people get to the front of the line and suddenly remember they've forgotten something? A fucking lot of them, that's how many.

"What else do I need to make a rum and coke?"

"Well, you have the coke. I'm guessing 'rum'."

"Hold on. I'll be right back."

Yeah, no one minds waiting while you sashay through the store looking for rum. You're the only person on Earth.

Shopping in increments is as popular as twitter, and just as stupid. This happens everywhere. At Kroger, people abandon their groceries at the self-checkout while they continue shopping for whatever trinket they forgot in the first place. Why? They can't be bothered to make a list beforehand, and their tiny brains can't hold that much information.

Those of you who are still smart enough to shop, I suggest you sit back, pop a beer, and enjoy the End of Days, for they are nigh.

What is Lindsay Doing?

2010-03-15T11:53:00.003-04:00

Is she...

-Auditioning for the title role in Michael Jackson:His Final Days?

-Giving my coworkers new ideas for douchey headwear?

-Getting ready to play bass for My Chemical Romance?

Yeah, I said a few years ago I'd stop making fun of Lindsay Lohan, but...I'm a liar, ok? Just look at her! She looks like an annoying minor character in a Tim Burton movie. It's not like Tim Burton would cast Lindsay in one of his films, because she would show up drunk and disrupt his set, but still...

Of course, Lindsay is an American citizen and has every right to become the girl who frightens children at street fairs. I have the urge to buy a hand-crafted glass bong from her, and I don't even smoke pot.

The Triumphant Return of Jay Leno

2010-03-12T00:47:00.012-05:00

Note: This photo of Jay is too big to display in this format, but for some reason I like the picture better this way.

Jay Leno is back to resume his reign as the king of mediocrity, and his easily amused minions are

all aflutter at the news. Lets glance in at Joyce and Daniel Farber, residents of Montgomery, Ohio and Leno fans for as long as they can remember.

Daniel: "Honey, hurry up and get in here. (opens can of Bud Light) Leno's back on The Tonight Show, where he belongs."

Joyce: "Oh thank god in heaven. I like my comedy completely void of edge, attitude, or originality."

Daniel: "That's why I married you."

Joyce: "Well, that and I tolerate your tiny penis."

Daniel: "Damn right you do! (sobs inside, changes subject) Frank at work prefers Letterman. I tried to tell him that Letterman raped Sarah Palin's daughter, but he said something about me being...what were his exact words...'an ill-informed simpleton', I believe."

Joyce: (not paying attention to him) "This monologue is HILARIOUS. Ha...good one, Jay."

Daniel: "Yes, apparently the food at the NBC commissary is sub par. Fun-nee."

Joyce: "So much better than that weird Colon O'Bobbins or whatever his name is."

Daniel: "I think he went by Coco O'Doul. And quite frankly, the man disturbed me. Very shrill and unpleasant fellow."

Joyce: "I hope Jay goes out on the street to make fun of people who are even dumber than me. Without the constant assurance that I'm not the stupidest form of life on this planet, I'd have killed myself years ago."

Several minutes pass. The Farbers laugh at Jay's verbal pap, then Joyce's prayers are answered: Jay asks people questions! And they give the wrong answers!

Daniel: "Hard to believe a cocktail server in Los Angeles has such a limited grasp of current events. Don't they teach those people anything?"

Joyce: "Probably on drugs. (drinks fifth vodka martini since supper) Who's the first guest tonight?"

Daniel: (checks local listings) "Oooh...Larry the Cable Guy. He is highly amusing."

Joyce: "I hear everyone from the South is just like him."

Daniel: "Only not as funny. Otherwise, 100 percent accurate portrayal. The man did his homework."

Larry does the same act he's done for well over a decade, much to the delight of the Farbers.

Joyce: "His casual racism gets me wet."

Daniel: (ignoring the comment) "Let's eat at Olive Garden tomorrow night."

Joyce: "Great idea. If there's one thing I like better than by-the-numbers comedy, it's an Americanized bastardization of world cuisine."

Daniel: "And don't forget the endless breadsticks. Why go to a small independent restaurant and pay for a finite number of tasty breadsticks when Olive Garden lets you eat dry, tasteless lumps of dough until you almost explode? I swear, their mediocrity validates my very existence."

Joyce: "More good news! The musical guest is Lady Antebellum."

Daniel: "I really like Lady Antebellum, but I can't put my finger on why...."

Joyce: "Because they sing mindless, disposable pop songs with just enough of a twang to make you feel condescendingly rustic? That's why I like them."

Daniel: "That's part of it, but I also love the way their proud lack of authenticity shits on decades of country music tradition. I have a feeling that for every note Lady Antebellum plays, Hank Williams has to spend another Millenium in purgatory; and you just don't get that commitment from artists these days."

Joyce: "I agree. It seems they would do anything to entertain people who secretly hate music."

Daniel: "Jay just told Larry to 'Git er done'. Ha...good one, Jay."

Joyce: "Yeah, it's funny because that's Larry's catchphrase, but Jay used it."

Unfortunately, this story has a sad ending: The Farbers went to bed and lived through the night.

Music lives again...and I was there

2010-03-07T22:49:00.007-05:00

I complain about my bad days (and their numbers are legion), so let me tell you a little about a pretty fucking great day, at least by my standards.

Saturday, March 6, 2010 didn't start out so great. For one thing, I had to be at work at 8:30 in the morning. And it looked like I was going to miss the University of Louisville basketball game, which would have really sucked. Trust me, it would have.

Louisville has been playing basketball at Freedom Hall since 1956. It's located at the state fairgrounds, but they're moving to a fancy new downtown arena because they want parking to go from slightly difficult to impossible.

I love the artist's rendering of the new arena. There's apparently a large event going on, but there's no traffic; just a few cars out for a leisurely cruise. Those people just magically appeared, ready to enjoy arena stuff. And although the building will eventually be named for the highest bidding corporate entity, I kind of hope they just call it Downtown Arena. It's downtown, it's an arena...Why not?

Anyway, I wanted to see at least part of the last Louisville basketball game played at Freedom Hall. It was kind of a big deal, and to top it off the opponent was Syracuse, ranked number 1 in the country. I managed to get out of there in time to see the last ten minutes of the game (ten basketball minutes, which is thirty or forty real minutes). I watched it in the bar area of the Mexican restaurant next door to where I work. I don't know why that place isn't more crowded for games. They have a nice TV, 2 for 1 margaritas and free chips and salsa; but despite these amenities, it was just me and a large portion of the restaurant staff, cheering and screaming at the TV.

As the game progressed and Louisville ran away with the game in stunning fashion, I heard a lot of jubilant Spanish. One guy made an effort to include me by yelling "YEAH! FUCK YEAH, MAN!" after a particularly fucking awesome dunk. I appreciated the gesture.

After watching the best basketball game I've ever seen, I went to dinner with a few friends. There is nothing like finding a bartender who knows how to make a proper Manhattan. The food was tasty, the conversation was entertaining, and the Manhattan was perfect.

When dinner was over I was full and kind of tired. I almost didn't go out. I'm old, you know. But I got my second or third wind and ventured over to the Z Bar to see Those Darlins.

Holy Mother of Fuck that place was packed. Someone sack the Fire Marshall, because there were too many people there! But it was worth enduring the crowd to see The Ladybirds, one of my favorite local bands. They never disappoint.

Then, ladies and gentlemen, Those Darlins - if I may indulge in cliche - blew the roof off the dump! I'm not a music critic, but it was a stomping, ferocious roar like I've never heard before. It was worth the long wait for beer and the drunks who danced like spastics and the stifling heat of humanity just to be there in that moment.

Rock and Roll died...and I was there

2010-03-01T00:20:00.006-05:00

My brother was in town this past weekend, so Saturday night we went out with a few of his old friends. We started the night at Cumberland Brews, then a bartender we know invited us to the bar where he works. This place is usually only open for concerts, so I thought it was kind of odd that we walked in and there wasn't a cover. I also found it unusual that the band was dazzlingly shitty. Is that a twelve-year-old girl on stage, deafening me with her off-key caterwauling? Why is the lack of heart and soul staggering even for a cover band? Lots of questions, very few answers.

Then a nice lady started talking to me. She asked, "So, how do you know the birthday boy?"

Yeah...so we crashed someone's private birthday party. The band was just a collection of some rich guy's friends and family, which explained why my ears were being tonally sodomized.

But that's not important; a female was talking to me, remember? This woman was very friendly, but it turns out she was there with a really really old dude. I'm old, sure...but this guy was really really old. When he sees his date talking to me, he gets her to move from their table by the bar to one closer to the stage. So I got cockbocked by Buddy Ebsen.

Without the pleasant distraction, the pure awfulness of the band was brought to the forefront. I'm sure this group wasn't offensive to their friends, but I didn't know these fuckers. I heard them through the unfiltered ears of a stranger. And what I heard was nothing less than the death of rock and roll as we know it.

All in all, not a bad Saturday night.

'Corky's Wife' 1, Sarah Palin 0

2010-02-21T20:20:00.005-05:00

So apparently last week on Family Guy, Chris, the large, oafish son of the Griffin clan, began dating a girl with Down's Syndrome. When he asked her what her parents did, she replied "My dad is an accountant and my mom is the former governor of Alaska."

Of course, Sarah Palin got her "you betchas" all in a knot and went on an Immediate Outrage Tour of any media outlet that respects her. In other words, talk radio and Fox News.

Unbeknownst to Sarah and her reactionary minions, the role of Chris's girlfriend was voiced by Andrea Fay Friedman, an actress who actually has Down's Syndrome. Back in the day, she was Corky's wife on Life Goes On. That explains the title of this post. What, you think I just walk around calling all females with Down's Syndrome "Corky's wife"? What kind of a monster do you think I am?

Ms. Friedman issued a statement, most of which was released by the mainstream media, which included:

"I guess former Governor Palin does not have a sense of humor. I thought the line 'I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska' was very funny."

However, most news outlets left out the best part, which is as follows:

"In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes."

HOLY SHIT! That's the best. burn. ever. I like how she said "French bread", knowing how much Sarah hates those socialist Frenchies. See, if I say that, I'm an insensitive asshole; but when a lady with Down's Syndrome says it, it's just the fucking TRUTH. Honestly, that comment is so perfect I jizzed my pants the first time I read it. Yeah, jizzed my pants. I'm not ashamed.

My one hope is that Trig eventually escapes the evil clutches of his mother and grows up to become as well-adjusted and viciously witty as Andrea Fay Friedman.

This is almost like blogging...

2010-02-17T15:02:00.000-05:00

-Whenever I write a post as bleak and self-loathing as that last one, I usually try to quickly follow it up with something light, kind of to let people know I haven't killed myself or am a current resident at the Rubber Sheraton. I'm feeling better, but over a week has passed since I went all emo on your collective ass, and I can't think of anything to write about at length. So, you're getting some half-assed random items, because apparently that's how I roll.

-Last week some kind of farmer convention was in town. Louisville gets a lot of farmer stuff since it's a semi-big city close to agricultural areas. This town doesn't overwhelm Farmer Bob like Chicago would, and we have better titty bars than Indianapolis, so the farmers are going to keep coming here. This means that area bartenders, servers and hotel workers can look forward at least a few times a year to large, demanding crowds that don't tip. And I get to hear "We ain't got no liquor stores like this back home" as some guy buys the same 12-pack of Bud Light he could get at any gas station in America.

-Anyone else fucking TIRED of winter? The city has done a pretty good job of clearing the roads these past few times, but I'm sick of snow. It isn't pretty anymore. It's filthy and mud-strewn, as if my neighborhood was covered in Courtney Love.

-Facebook is killing me lately. I don't mind status updates; yes, they are often mundane, but sometimes I'll get some useful information from them. But do I have to know that someone just bought a two-headed dildo in Porntown? Do I care that someone I barely know just befriended someone I don't know at all? "Can this Bottle of Warm Urine Wearing a Little Dutch Boy Outfit Get More Fans than Maroon 5?" It's a bit much there, Facebook.

-Is it possible to delete a myspace profile? Do you have to run into Tom at the mall and ask him personally? Since I'm not in a band nor am I involved in the sex trade industry, I have no use for myspace. Seriously, when myspace eventually folds, how will 13-yr-old girls pretending to be 18 and 35-yr-old men pretending to be 18 spend their time?

Fuck off, Brief Glimpses of False Hope

2010-02-08T23:25:00.002-05:00

I was talking to a friend online today, and we were both wondering just why the fuck we're both occasionally optimistic about our lives. Why do we set ourselves up for the inevitable gut punch?

I blame Brief Glimpses of False Hope. They confuse me; they make me think life actually has true meaning, that I won't die miserable and alone, when I know damn well what's in store for me.

For example, why why why do I always develop stupid teenage-like crushes on women who have absolutely no romantic interest in me? Because I meet so few people I can stand that when I finally do I kind of fall for them? Maybe. But this needs to stop, because it's fucking killing me inside. This is the entire process:

-Hey, she's cool and laughs at my jokes and isn't a goddamn hillbilly. Awesome.

-Shit, she's all I think about.

-I'm nothing more than a clown to her. Now I'm so depressed I can barely function.

-Hey, this new person is cool and laughs at my jokes and isn't a goddamn hillbilly. Awesome.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

This is an overshare, isn't it? This isn't something I should be blogging about. I should stick to hating Jay Leno and Sarah Palin and reviewing award shows at length. But I can't even write lately because I'm an empty shell of a human being. Jesus, I sound Emo now. That's all I need!

The only things that make me feel better are food and alcohol, but since no one loves a fat drunk, these are but temporary solutions to my problem.

Don't worry about me, though. A Brief Glimpse of False Hope will come around soon and I'll stupidly think things will be different.

Then they won't be different. I'm already bracing for the gut punch. Each punch hurts a little more than the previous one.

Obama has a problem with Vegass

2010-02-03T13:44:00.004-05:00

NOTE: The following criticism is not an open invitation for conservatives to write "Ha, we told you so. Obama is a Communist/terrorist/double dipper/poor tipper/baby killer/pill popper/obstructionist/rabble rouser/not nice guy." This is about one specific thing he said. I have a problem with part of it, so I'm going to vent. That is all.

A few days ago President Obama said in a speech, "When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don't blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize. You make tough choices."

Of course this is true on the surface. I'd love to have a big screen TV and a mac notebook, but I can't afford them. And nobody should blow the college fund on the Wheel of Fortune slot. However, this is the second time the Prez has singled out Las Vegas as a place you shouldn't spend your hard earned money. Since the Las Vegas economy is in the shitter and I still have friends and family who live there, I take offense at his selective criticism.

Is the President suggesting no one take vacations? Is he a fan of workplace violence? Because there would be a spike of "Bob from the mail room" shooting the place up if people stopped taking breaks from their shitty everyday lives. Or, as it seems, does he just have a problem with Las Vegas? A dollar spent in Generic Tourist Trap, USA is as "lost" as a dollar spent in Vegas, right?

To counteract Obama's bias in this matter, I'd like to suggest reasons why people shouldn't spend their money in tourist destinations across the country. Because, you know, the two of us have equal influence among the citizenry.

Orlando

In a tough global economy you need to keep your kids grounded in stark reality. Seriously, they don't need to think life is a never-ending parade lead by a giant, effeminate mouse.

Branson, Missouri

This town is responsible for the continued success of Andy Williams and Yakov Smirnoff. You know who likes Branson? Your annoying aunt, the one who collects Thomas Kinkade paintings and gave you a Sarah Palin commemorative plate for Christmas.

Southern California

Perfect weather, beautiful women...uh, what was my point again? Oh yeah...don't visit because they elected Ahnuld governor...TWICE!

New York City

On January 1, 2010, an important milestone occurred. It officially became acceptable to once again actively dislike New York. Yes, you heard it here first. These are the people who RUINED clam chowder; and the city has rats the size of Shetland Ponies.

It still is NOT acceptable to actively dislike New Orleans, so GO SAINTS!!!

Any ski lodge

Do you really want to hang out in an overpriced log cabin with a bunch of trust fund kids who listen to Vampire Weekend and have twenty different North Face jackets? You do? Eat shit.

Louisville, KY

People only come to Louisville for one reason: The Kentucky Derby. It's usually East Coast frat types who briefly turn our sleepy river town into an episode of Jersey Shore. Come if you will, but know this: We'll smile, turn our accents up a notch to patronize your condescending notion of "Southern Hospitality", and gladly take your money; but we hate you. Really, we hate your fucking guts. If you all die in our gutters we'll coldly sweep your collective remains into the Ohio River and you'll be replaced by a new group of assholes next year. Uh...I mean, "Come on back and see us, y'all!"

This Just In: Internet Dating Still Sucks

2010-01-25T12:44:00.004-05:00

The other day I got a message, via an internet dating site that shall remain nameless, from a woman from Los Angeles. Yeah, the one in California.

"Oh, you want to have coffee? I'll hop in my jet. See you in five hours."

It was obvious from this message that it was a mass email scam of some sort. It was completely generic, the author had obviously never read my profile, and the syntax was painful.

Oh, and in the Description area, the following was listed:

Height: 4'4"

Hair: Bald

So not only is someone trying to take the money they mistakingly think I have, they're trying to do it by tempting me with a bald midget three time zones away!

"Here's my checking account number, Mini-Me's sister! I love you!"

At least pretend it's a tall blond from Louisville like the good scam artists do. Of course, even then you can tell it's a fake, mainly because the email is written like this:

I read profile and have you many manly things I like. I live in your city and enjoy the places and things people in your city enjoy. How about local sport team? They are team I like. I am tall blond considered the very good looking. I search for man to love forever and you are man.

Write me at svetlana@

russianwomenwhowanttotakeallyourmoney.com

Of course, these easily identifiable scams are nothing compared to the real dates. Oh, real dates, how you disappoint and frustrate me.

I recently had a quick dinner with the most humorless, critical, self-important woman to ever ruin a quick dinner.

I was chastised for not composting. Repeat: I WAS CHASTISED FOR NOT COMPOSTING.

I'm overweight, I hate my job, I had to sell my Acura to a scrap yard, and my social life has been reduced to me trolling on internet dating sites. Shame on me for not thinking to intentionally let garbage rot in the backyard. Go fuck your hat, Broomhilda.

She droned on and on about knitting hats for the homeless, which is very nice; good for her. But WHY BE A BITCH TO ME? I'm right here, trying to carry on a conversation with a cyborg from the planet Cuntron 5. At least fake being nice, god damn it!

And god help the homeless if they ever have to meet the "mystery angel" who knits their hats. She'll spend hours analyzing the life mistakes they've made. She'll wonder why they just didn't go to college or at least learn a trade. And why the pesky alcoholism and/or drug habit?

"You can keep the hat. Winter ain't that cold."

Notes from the Golden Globe Awards

2010-01-17T23:01:00.001-05:00

-I miss the opening because the football game on the other channel ran long. Blogging about the fucking Golden Globes is gay enough; I'm not about to miss the end of a close game.

-Ricky Gervais is the host. I wasn't even going to bother watching/blogging this, but Ricky Gervais is the shit. If you don't agree, you're probably glad Jay Leno got The Tonight Show back.

-Speaking of Jay Leno, all of the auditoriums in Los Angeles were booked tonight, so the show is being held inside Leno's massive head. It came down to that or his soul, and his soul is so empty the sound guys were having trouble with echo.

-Ricky is telling dick jokes on prime time. Does it get any better?

-Nicole Kidman's dress makes her pale ass look nude.

-The Modern Family lady calls Edie Falco "Eddie Falco". Toni Collete wins, and says "balls" in the testicular rather than spherical sense.

-Hey, a crowd shot of Robert Deniro looking disinterested.

-For some reason a really hot young chick is introduced, and some old guy in the crowd is caught kind of creepily ogling her. I get caught kind of creepily ogling young women all the time, so I know it when I see it.

-Paul McCartney plugs a Beatles reissue, because he doesn't have enough money.

-I was going to watch Up on dvd, but the director just bored me half to death with his acceptance speech, so fuck it now. That's how I roll.

-What is Nine? I need to see more movies. Or not.

-This show is being watched by half a billion people worldwide. I know this because Felicity Huffman just told me. My response: THEN DO BETTER!!!

-The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press reminds me of an English, slightly retarded Art Garfunkel. As a side note, I like to reference Art Garfunkel whenever possible.

-I'd watch Dexter, but I don't have Showtime. No joke here, sorry.

-People watch The Good Wife? I refuse to believe that.

-The voice-over announcer just said "Everyone is wondering if Avatar will win Best Drama." Really? Because of all the things I was just wondering, that was dead last.

-A Harrison Ford appearance. "Get off my mediocre awards show!!!" Remember that shit-stain movie Regarding Henry, when Harrison plays a heartless yuppie who gets shot in the head and becomes a slurry-witted nice guy? Judging from his speech pattern tonight, they're doing a sequel and he showed up "in character".

-A guy from the last row just won something. It took him fifteen minutes to get to the stage. And then he kinda weirded everyone out. It would probably help you the reader if I identified these people, but I really have no fucking idea.

-Up wins something else. Apparently, everyone involved in the production of this film is a complete dork.

-There's going to be a Wall Street sequel? If it isn't called Wall Street 2: Electric Boogaloo I'll be very disappointed.

-Producers shouldn't be allowed to give speeches. NOBODY cares about you. And the music playing in the background means "Shut your cakehole and get off the stage so we can bring up an actual celebrity."

-Ricky Gervais insults Colin Farrell and Colin decides to wait until later to attack him with a whiskey bottle. See, people really can change!

-Meryl Streep is here? Does she owe back taxes or something? Good speech. She should give every speech for the rest of the evening.

-I'd bang Helen Mirren. I know she's really old and she's talking about Precious, the most depressing film of all time, but I'd hit that.

-Jesus, watching Drew Barrymore give a speech is like watching a meth addict on a unicycle. That's ok, it's not like she's been a celebrity since birth or anything.

-The camera crew for this show has to be a group of slightly trained spider monkeys. One of them just flung poo at Gerard Butler.

-Directors are as dull as producers, with the added bonus of being insufferably egotistic. Yay!

-Alec Baldwin wins but is at a "previously scheduled charity event." In other words, Alec Baldwin showed up drunk and/or he's plowing a cocktail waitress.

-This is really three hours long? Come on, really?

-Samuel L. Jackson! His gift bag is the one that says "Bad Motherfucker". And hey, I've actually seen Inglourius Basterds. If it wins something, I'll nod almost imperceptibly in agreement.

-Director + Foreign = Getting Played Off By The Band. You can take that to the bank.

-Mad Men wins Best Drama. I watch that! I know the characters and everything! Christina Hendricks and her ample cleavage are on stage right now! Why do I have the feeling this will be the highlight of the show for me?

-Chloe Sevigny wins for Big Love, yet another show I watch. And....she's annoying. Shit.

-Have you seen Monster's Ball, where Billy Bob Thornton plays a racist who ends up fucking Halle Berry? Yeah, because EVERY straight dude alive wants to fuck Halle Berry. Can't we use this to bring us all together? Halle Berry is on screen now, by the way. It's not like I'm just sitting here randomly thinking about bigots and Halle Berry. Jeez, give me a little credit.

-Speaking of sex, Robert Deniro is talking about Martin Scorsese sticking his dick in a film cannister. At least he no longer seems disinterested.

-Jodie Foster is going to be in a film called The Beaver. The jokes are writing themselves!

-Mel Gibson, huh? I guess we're all supposed to forget that he's a Jew hater? That did happen, right? He did blame Jews for "all of the evil in the world," right? I thought so.

-The creator of Glee is gay? Color me surprised.

-Mike Tyson is with the cast of The Hangover. I always think he's going to murder someone, no matter where I see him.

-Governor Arnold just made a "California is bankrupt" joke. The Jay Leno of politics, ladies and gentlemen!

-Sandra Bullock seems visibly afraid of Mickey Rourke. Seriously, Mickey looks like something from Genesis' "Land of Confusion" video.

-Great, funny speech by Robert Downey, Jr. I have to say at least one positive thing, right?

-Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor/Drama. I'm glad he won 'cause he's The Dude, but I have no idea what he won for. Jeff is awesome. He just thanked his stand-in. The guy who stands in his place on set? That guy just got thanked.

-This show is kind of dreadful, but not dreadful enough to be entertaining.

-Even Julia Roberts is ready to put this out of our misery. Avatar wins Best Drama, so America's wondering can now end.

-Is a headless guy on a horse going to throw a flaming pumpkin at James Cameron? 'Cause he has a heavy Ichabod Crane vibe going these days. He also seems like a dick.

-Ricky Gervais had some funny lines and good digs at celebrities, but it was a lost cause. Nobody could have saved this televised colostomy.

NBC and Jay Leno deserve one another

2010-01-13T10:53:00.004-05:00

Back in the Fall, NBC decided to put Olive Garden America's favorite "funny" man, Jay Leno, in prime time five nights a week. They did this because they were (and still are) cash-strapped and bereft of fresh ideas. They polished a turd to a high shine, but it was still a big stinking dookie, and everyone knew it.

Conan O'Brien is unlike Jay Leno in that people under the age of eighty find him funny. NBC had been planning on giving him The Tonight Show for years, but when they finally did it they decided to undercut him with Jay's Flaming Shitburger Extravaganza, or whatever the fuck they call that televised abortion.

Jay's travesty got record low ratings, but NBC didn't care at first, because the show was cheap to produce and they were still making money. But then the local affiliates started to bitch about record low ratings for their 11pm newscasts, which was costing them lots of money. Instead of sending Jay off to die on an iceberg, like the wise Eskimos would have done, NBC decided to give him back his 11:30 slot. Conan can either start his show at midnight or eat shit. His decision.

Well, yesterday Conan told NBC to suck his ginger cock. He won't start his show at midnight. Good for him! NBC has a history of butt-raping actual talent to appease Jay Leno and the Bingo fans who love him. Johnny Carson, who made The Tonight Show an American institution, wanted David Letterman to take over for him, but NBC gave the job to Leno and ran Dave off. Now they're fucking Conan O'Brien up the ass and don't even have the common decency to give him a reach around.

And most of all, fuck Jay Leno. How much money does he need? How many palsied knock-knock jokes does he have to spoon feed to the easily amused? How many careers does he have to passive-aggressively destroy so can feed an ego that might actually be larger than his circus sideshow chin? Jay was given a chance to build his ratings when he took over The Tonight Show, and now he wants to deny Conan that same privilege. Jay's terrible ratings performance at 10pm led to poor ratings for Conan, yet Jay gets rewarded and Conan gets the shaft. Eat all of our dicks, Jay. Ladies, kindly don veiny strap-ons so Jay can eat those, too.

Dime-sized cumwad

2010-01-10T03:00:00.002-05:00

Every once in a while, despite management's best efforts, I'm afforded a cashier who is not only competent at the job, but actually cool. Our latest minor miracle, whom I'll call "Linda" for the purpose of this story, recently moved to town from Albany, New York.

The other night a few of us went out drinking after work, and Linda told us a really heartwarming story. The night before, she visited a local dive bar near her apartment. To paraphrase:

"So I'm at this bar waiting to use the bathroom, and I'm waiting and waiting, and this guy walks out of the women's room. I was like 'What the fuck?' but I had to go so I went in, and there was a dime-sized cumwad on the toilet seat."

Yeah, so the guy beat it in a public ladies room. Welcome to Louisville, Linda.

I'm sorry, but "dime-sized cumwad" is the funniest thing I've ever heard. It is now my go-to expression, as in "I don't give a dime-sized cumwad" or "He's got a dime-sized cumwad where his soul should be." I'm easily amused and this is providing me with hours of entertainment.

Oh, and I honestly don't know if "cumwad" is one word or two, but "cumwad" just looks funnier than "cum wad".

A note to America

2010-01-07T01:12:00.000-05:00

Haven't blogged in a while. I would say I've been busy, but I'm not any more busy now than I was back when I posted six times a week. Anyway, let's blame Facebook. And Twitter, even though I don't have a Twitter account (and never will). Speaking of Facebook, I just wrote a status update that inspired me to blog again. At least this once...

Dearest America:

-The Snuggie is just a backwards robe. Do you have an old robe lying around? If not, a senile relative does. Steal it from him and he'll never be the wiser. Ever. His wise days are behind him.

-Olive Garden is not an acceptable approximation of Italian cuisine. Have you seen the commercial where the old man visits from Italy and his stupid relatives take him to Olive Garden? The commercial shows them talking and laughing with their mouths full of awful food; but it doesn't show the part where the old man executes every fucking one of those no-taste-having-cocksuckers with a single bullet to the back of the head.

-You remember the day after Thanksgiving when you got up at 3am to stand in line at Wal-Mart? Remember standing in a light but bitterly cold rain with wind gusts that ripped your nips off? Remember fighting through a throng of punching, kicking, spitting and biting louts to buy a bunch of crap you really didn't need, all because it was on sale? Well, it's on sale for less RIGHT NOW. I think I'll proceed at my leisure and buy some of it. Or maybe not.

-You probably think tonight's Texas v. Alabama football game will decide the sport's national champion. I'm here to tell you that as long as there isn't a playoff, that title is as mythical as the Easter Bunny blowing a Unicorn. Since Boise State is also undefeated, I'm going to go ahead and call them your 2009-10 National Champs. Congratulations, Boise State!

-New Year's Eve has passed, so everyone can go back to not giving a fuck about champagne.

-SPOILER ALERT: Avatar has the exact same plot as Ernest Scared Stupid. True.

-If you drink Bud Light, you do not like beer. You like fizzy yellow water that might get you drunk if you down a case of the swill. And that's ok. Really. To each his own. But quit saying you like beer.

The Custodian Chronicles continue

2009-12-23T01:24:00.001-05:00

As I've mentioned before, we've had a hard time with custodians at work. When you pay someone minimum wage to clean toilets and mop floors, you tend to attract people who are ... how do I word this?... addicted to crack.

Following the firings of the aforementioned 3-D Teef and Ghetto Smurf, we were lucky enough to find someone who actually did an acceptable job. His name was Ricky and he liked NASCAR (naturally), so we called him Ricky Bobby. Not our best nickname effort, but we didn't hate this guy. He kind of kept to himself and unlike all other custodians before or since, didn't bring further shame to our place of employment by his very presence.

Unfortunately for us, Ricky Bobby found a better job. He drives a garbage truck now. And really, I'm not making fun of his current occupation. The guy is making more money than I make; and at least the garbage he has to deal with isn't of the human variety. I wouldn't take his job, but mainly because of the temptation of using a sanitation vehicle as a lethal weapon. "Yeah, cut in front of me, motherfucker."

Ricky Bobby was replaced by a lady we "affectionately" called WTBS. WTBS did not reference the Superstation out of Atlanta, but stood for White Trash Barbara Streisand. Why? Because she looked like Barbara Streisand but lived in a trailer with her many children and common-law husband. Unbeknownst to management, WTBS was pregnant YET AGAIN when they hired her, and eventually her condition prevented her from doing much of anything janitor-related.

Why do some people have kids like it's a competition? I wanted to say to her, "You know, the pill will help with that complexion of yours, too" but I was kind of afraid she'd shank me.

All of the past losers pale in comparison to our latest human resources abortion. Her name is Mary Beth, but I like to call her Methy Beth. Because she's an obvious Meth addict? Yes.

Methy Beth, unlike our semi-beloved Ricky Bobby, does not keep to herself. Methy Beth likes to tell us what she just cleaned and how dirty it was before she cleaned it. Repeatedly. "Oh, really? You cleaned the break room and there was spaghetti sauce all inside the microwave? Well, that's great but IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON AND I'M DICK-DEEP IN NEEDY CUSTOMERS, YOU CRANK-ADDLED TOOTHLESS WONDER! DO US ALL A FAVOR: GO TO THE LADIES ROOM AND BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT! AND THEN CLEAN IT UP!!!" I don't say that to her, but I really really want to.

Yesterday she actually said to me, "Why is it so busy tonight? Tuesdays ain't usually this busy."

My response: "Maybe because it's the Tuesday before Christmas?"

Jesus, can we hire someone who knows what fucking month she's living in???

The T.O.D.D. system

2009-12-12T20:13:00.006-05:00

Recently, a character on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia introduced the D.E.N.N.I.S. sytem, a crude, sexist, and uproariously funny guide to seducing women. In honor of this great sitcom, I offer The T.O.D.D. system.

T-Telegraph all potential romantic conquests with ham-fisted gestures and awkward mutterings.

O-Obey your gut instinct, no matter how many times that instinct has failed you miserably.

D-Deny the glaringly obvious fact that the object of your affection has little use for you.

D-Die alone.

Feel free to use this system any ol' time. Really, no need to give me credit for it.

Yeah, so I was rude to some punk-ass douche

2009-12-06T19:27:00.001-05:00

Well, thanks to my hatred of customer service, and humanity in general, I have something to say again.

The other night this anorexic fop bought a quarter-keg of Bud Light or Miller Lite or Coors Light or whatever pussy-ass taintwater people of his ilk drink. He stood there and watched the cashier ring everything up without saying a word. Then he got the receipt and IT BEGAN.

Fuckhead: "Whoah, wait just a second. I called here and they told me over the phone that the keg would cost $37."

He thrust the receipt at me. The keg had rang up $51, because THAT'S HOW MUCH THE FUCKING KEG COSTS.

Me: "I'm sorry, but that's the right price. A keg of (insert cunt beer name here) costs $51."

Mancunt: "Well, I was told $37, and I don't think I should have to pay $51. You guys are giving out bad information. I..."

At this point I stopped listening to him. I'm sorry if he was given the wrong price, but I really had no proof of this other than his word, which meant as much to me as a pile of dog shit. What I really didn't like was the tone taken by this over privileged 22-yr-old, with his faux-vintage Abercrombie plaid shirt and $100 Zac Efron haircut. He was giving me the manufactured retail outrage so common among upper-middle-class twits. I'm sure he learned this maneuver from years of watching his prick mom and cunt dad berate clerks, waiters, and other service industry peon. Well, this was one service industry peon who wasn't falling for it.

I guess I could have calmly explained to him that we only make a few dollars of actual profit on a keg, and that it's ILLEGAL to sell alcohol for less than you pay for it. But I already tried reasoning with this little shit, and he wouldn't stop repeating, like an overly manicured parrot, the same "I shouldn't have to..." line of horseshit. At this point I wanted to punch his fucking face in.

Me: "Do you want the keg? If you don't want it, we'll refund your credit card."

Sniveling weasel: "Well, I shouldn't have to..."

Me: "Would you like to speak to a manager?" I was FUCKING DONE by this point.

Rat-faced bastard: "Well, uh...I shouldn't have to..."

He was rattled. He couldn't believe that the whiny repetition that had served his mommy so well when brow-beating country club busboys was failing him here.

Me: "That was a 'Yes or No' question. DO. YOU. WANT. TO. SPEAK. TO. A. MANAGER?"

Nearly-reduced-to-tears nancy boy: "Uh, yeah..."

I called a manager over and - surprise - the manager told him he could pay the $51 dollars or get a refund. He took the keg, because if he went back to the Chachi circle jerk without beer there would be heck to pay.

Well obviously I'm sick of dealing with the general public. Hopefully, his dad is someone powerful enough to get me fired. I'd love to spend the holidays sitting around collecting unemployment checks.

I have nothing left to say

2009-12-04T12:57:00.001-05:00

As you can see from the title of this post, I have nothing left to say. When I have something to say again, I'll be back. Until then, Happy Holidays.

What's the real story, Tiger?

2009-11-29T18:41:00.001-05:00

I've never understood why Tiger Woods is such a big deal. He's good at golf. Golf. Not a sport, not a sport, a hobby. Golf. He's almost a billionaire because he's good at a hobby. Why not bestow near-billionaire status on someone who's really good at collecting stamps or excellent at solving crossword puzzles? Can I get hundreds of millions of dollars for drinking beer while watching NFL football? It's kind of a hobby of mine, after all...

Also, Charles Barkley, who is Tiger's friend, says that Tiger doesn't tip when they go out. Really? You've been handed a billion dollars for excelling at what normal people do to kill time after they retire from real work, and you can't give a few of those dollars to those who actually have a job? Fuck you.

However, this past week I was watching television and a breaking report said that Tiger was in "serious condition" after a car wreck near his house. I really felt bad. Honestly, I did. Just because a guy has a shitload of totally undeserved money and stiffs waitstaff, that doesn't mean I want him to die in a car crash.

Thankfully, he was never in serious condition. The official, Nike-approved story said that he was leaving his house in the middle of the night and ran his car into a fire hydrant and a tree. His loving wife ran outside, conveniently carrying one of his golf clubs, and smashed out the vehicle's back window to free him from a moderately damaged "death trap".

Internet news sites that don't suck at Nike's corporate teet are calling bullshit on that story. To them, it seems like a strange coincidence that this "accident" happened a day after adultery allegations surfaced.

I'm no reporter, nor do I play one on the internet, but it seems a lot more plausible that Tiger was leaving the house at that hour to get away from his wife, who was trying to smash his fucking head in. When he hopped in his car, she smashed the window out instead, causing him to drive erratically and crash.

Of course, if this blog is being read by a Tiger Woods/Nike attorney, this is pure speculation on my part and common sense is not admissible in a court of law. And I'm sure he's refusing to cooperate with police because he hates the spotlight so much. He's a real shrinking violet, that Tiger Woods.

So, special report that falsely claimed Tiger Woods was near death, thanks a lot for making me feel guilty for not liking this douchebag.

Work

2009-11-26T13:30:00.001-05:00

-The other day this wannabe thug put in an application for employment. His first personal reference: "Frank". No last name, no address, no occupation. Just "Frank". The store manager took one look at it and tore the application into teeny tiny pieces, then burned the pile, then placed the ashes in a Grecian urn, then encased the urn in cement and threw it into the Ohio River.

-Yesterday I noticed an old man in the line of a brand new cashier. Old man + barely trained cashier = trouble, because old people are horrible and eager to pounce on any perceived human imperfection, despite the fact that they themselves are unable to control their own bowels.

I was about to go over there before he could start complaining, but I was interrupted by a customer who wanted "The red wine I had the other night at Red Lobster." Since I wasn't at the fucking Led Robster with this bint and her vapid family, I had no idea what she was talking about. She seemed upset that I didn't possess the psychic abilities to pull the illusive wine's name out of thin air, but I finally convinced her to call Red Lobster and ask them which overpriced vino they commonly sell to people with poor taste.

Just then, the inevitable: "Hey, you! You, come over here. She's new and doesn't know what she's doing!" Big fucking surprise, the old man was berating our new cashier.

"She says she can't take a check! That's bullshit," the old man bellowed.

I love to correct old people. "Sir, we didn't swear at you. Kindly refrain from swearing at us."

"Well, I know for a fact that this store accepts checks."

More correction from me to him. "No sir, we haven't accepted checks for well over a year."

"I just wrote a check in here less than a month ago," he proclaimed.

"I assure you we haven't taken checks since August of 2008." Then I added, just because I could, "It was the happiest day of my retail life when we stopped taking them."

His last line of defense: "Well, they take checks at Kohl's. They have one of those machines where it approves the check and immediately takes the money out of your account."

OH, IN OTHER WORDS, THE CHECK ACTS LIKE A DEBIT CARD? THEN WHY NOT USE A GOD DAMN DEBIT CARD?!?!?? Because the debit card is efficient and doesn't inconvenience others, thus making it undesirable for old people. If they cared about other people, they'd stop driving giant cars that their diminished capacities can't possibly keep in the assigned lane. And they'd bathe more often.

"We do accept debit cards, sir," the new cashier said. It takes less than a day for anyone who works at our store to learn to hate elderly functional alcoholics.

He ignored her, still talking to me. "You need to get one of those machines like they have at Kohl's."

I finally had heard enough. We are a liquor store. We sell the ol' "pain-go-bye-bye juice". Kohl's sells fucking khaki pants and coffee makers, and are less likely to have desperate, check-stealing felons for customers. If Kohl's ever decides to acquire a chain of liquor stores, perhaps in their naivete they'll allow checks; but until then, tough shit. Before walking away, I said "Well, we don't take checks, sir. Have a nice day."

Know that if anyone in retail ever says "Have a nice day" they really mean "Go fuck yourself."

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving, I suppose.

Giving credit where credit is due

2009-11-24T21:55:00.002-05:00

In the past, this blog hasn't been very nice to Jimmy Fallon. I believe Mr. Fallon has been described by the blog owner as "a talentless pail of cesspool run-off" and "the worst talk show host ever in the history of anything." His movie Fever Pitch was mentioned as "the film that made liking the Red Sox almost as douchey as liking the Yankees." Almost.

But then I saw this clip of Fallon as Neil Young, singing the theme song to Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It's damn funny.

He should just do more of this sort of thing and never try to tell a joke or even talk.

People from Louisville on TV, and it isn't "Cops"!

2009-11-22T02:54:00.004-05:00

Louisville band My Morning Jacket, who I've written about in the past, appears in cartoon form on American Dad tonight. Ok, it isn't Family Guy, but it isn't The Cleveland Show either. Ugh, have you seen The Cleveland Show? I'd say Dane Cook wrote it, but it isn't douchey enough.

The band recorded their voices over a year ago, and my friend Linda, who is married to one of the band members, writes about the experience here. There are pictures and everything!

Linda went to the Grammys this year when the band was nominated. That more than makes up for having to be nice to Leno.

-Also, may I recommend a purchase? No? Well fuck you, I'm recommending one anyway! The It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas DVD may be the funniest thing I've ever seen. Where else can you see a couch "give birth" to Danny Devito? Or watch a grown man attack a mall Santa? Watch it with all of your relatives on Christmas Day and they will be horrified beyond comprehension! You'll be banned from all future family functions and can spend next Christmas in piece and quiet.

A New Goal

2009-11-19T20:45:00.000-05:00

I've struggled my whole life with fattyness, mostly because I like to eat unhealthy foods and drink sweet, delicious booze. Every once in a while, I'll get temporarily motivated and lose weight, but the motivation inevitably wanes and the pounds come back. But I think I finally have an answer to my problem.

By this time next year, my goal is to be One Night Standable.

Simply put, I want to be able to have an occasional night of good old fashioned no strings attached consensual banging. I think massive weight loss would allow this to occur. Right now, no woman is looking at me at a bar or wherever and thinking, "There's the guy I want to make bad decisions with." Or if she's an English teacher, "There's the guy with whom I want to make bad decisions."

For those who think this is monumentally shallow, please hear me out. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ON THE DATES I'VE BEEN ON! You have not endured the strained conversation, the forced niceties, the awkward pauses, the unmistakable musk of middle-aged desperation!

I'm not blaming my dates, even though I seem to attract a lot of Nickleback fans and women who are just coming off the worst relationship since Ike Turner dragged Tina around by her stage wig. No, the fault lies with me and my increasing unwillingness to tolerate The Curse.

What is The Curse? The Curse is: EVERY WOMAN I'D LIKE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH IS EITHER UNINTERESTED OR UNAVAILABLE.

The problem is me. Honestly, I don't like a whole lot of people. But because of The Curse, I force myself to be a social being, going on dates to places I hate and laughing at stories I find life-sappingly boring. It just isn't working out, and those women deserve better than someone who'd rather be doing anything than talking to them.

My dating cycles are kind of like my weight gain/loss cycles. Every few months loneliness motivates me to dive back into the dating pool. I jump in, struggle to avoid drowning, and then lose the motivation altogether.

So what does any of this have to do with my goal of becoming One Night Standable? Well, as a human being I get horny, to be perfectly honest. If I want sex, I could lie to or manipulate someone I have no long-term interest in, or I can become One Night Standable. I'm far from perfect (duh, right?) but I refuse to take advantage of someone's emotions just to get laid. Therefore, my only real options are to get all One Night Standable or join a Monastery. And I don't like the brown robes they have to wear.

Real Workplace Conversations

2009-11-18T18:38:00.004-05:00

Time for another installment of Real Workplace Conversations.

Come to think of it, this might be the first installment of Real Workplace Conversations.

Actually, I have written before of real workplace conversations, I just didn't label them as such.

So time for the first OFFICIAL installment of Real Workplace Conversations.

(Annoyingly bratty 21-year-old cashier): "Todd, sometimes it's like you have a split personality."

(Me): "No, I come to work in a relatively good mood, then you do something to piss me off, so I'm no longer in a good mood. That isn't a split personality; that's a simple case of cause and effect."

(Annoying bratty 21-year-old cashier): "See, there you go again."

Shooting fish in a barrel: I go "FJM" on Sarah Palin's book.

2009-11-16T14:36:00.000-05:00

There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

Fans of literary abortions are well aware that Sarah Palin has a book coming out, undoubtedly ghost-written by someone who can form coherent sentences. Let's shit on some excerpts, shall we?

"I was quite a cocky young mom-to-be. I'd gone through the requisite childbirth class (we were going to use the Lamaze method), and, being an athlete used to pain, I figured, How tough could giving birth be? Oh. My. Gosh. I thought I was going to die. In fact, I began to pray that I would die. . . I gritted my teeth and willed myself not to scream."

So Sarah has a history, be it with childbirth or running for vice president, of severely overestimating her ability to handle tough situations. "I've played basketball at the high school level, so obviously pushing a human through my vagina will be like eating a piece of taffy."

"Politically, Juneau always had a reputation for being a lot like Animal House: drinking and bowling, drunken brawls, countless affairs, and garden-variety lunchtime trysts."

Drinking AND bowling? Sweet Jesus, it was like Caligula's fuck-den up there!

"The month after Trig was born, Bristol came to Todd and me and told us the shocking news that she was pregnant. Truthfully, I was devastated for my daughter. It wasn't the morality of the situation--what was done was done. It was that I saw her future change in an instant."

Bristol's future immediately changed from being exploited for her teenage wholesomeness to being exploited for her 'choice' to keep the baby. Yeah, that IS quite a change.

"Todd and I were proud of Bristol's selfless decision to have her baby and her determination to deal with difficult circumstances by taking responsibility for her actions. But in no way did I want to send the message that teenage pregnancy was something to endorse, much less glamorize."

Uh huh...that's why Bristol and whatshisname, the hockey-jock who knocked her up, were paraded in front of the nation like a Republican version of Prince Charles and Lady Di.

"For some reason, when the call (to be on the ticket) came at the State Fair, it didn't come as a huge shock. ... I certainly didn't think,' Well, of course this would happen.' But neither did I think 'What an astonishing idea.'"

There was Sarah at the State Fair, just standing near the Tilt-a-Whirl eating fried dough, and she gets the call to run for the vice presidency of the United States. No big whoop.

Have a corn dog to go with that hubris.

"The campaign's 'Tina Fey Fears' turned out to be overblown. Instead, when I met her, she was friendly and gracious. ... Without managers and handles swarming around ... it was just a nice mom moment. 'Believe it or not, I've got Republicans in my family,' Tina said, smiling. 'Believe it or not,' I said, 'I've got Democrats in mine.'"

A witty exchange between two comic masterminds! She leaves out the part where they trade roundhouse kicks to the babymakers.

And I don't care who you are or where you belong on the political spectrum; Sarah's appearance on SNL made the McCain campaign look like a fucking joke. It showed their desperation that she was even allowed to be there.

"My family was made to look like a herd of hillbillies who had come to the big city and started living high on the hog, and that hurt me for them."

"Because - dag nabit - if we want to eat a hog we'll go out and kill one our own selves!"

"Meanwhile, the media blackout continued. It got so bad that a couple of times I had a friend in Anchorage track down phone numbers for me, and then I snuck in calls to folks like Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity and someone I thought was Larry Kudlow but turned out to be Neil Cavuto’s producer."

I can see why this book is calling Going Rogue, because that my friends is going fuck-0n rouge! Calling a bunch of sycophants in the echo chamber to reinforce the high opinion you have of yourself is maverickesque TO THE EXTREME!!!

I don't have a direct quote on this one, but apparently Sarah's still bitching about not being able to give a concession speech, even though no vice presidential candidate has ever in the history of anything been allowed to speak after a loss. Her job was to stand there and nod while McCain lied and said she was a great running mate. It wasn't John McCain's responsibility to give her a platform to begin her 2012 candidacy.

As the book is released and I get more passages, I may do a Part Two.

Glenn Beck tries to ruin Christmas

2009-11-10T22:01:00.001-05:00

I wish this was some sort of a joke, but Glenn Beck really has a picture book for children, based on a novel he wrote a few years ago. I'm guessing it's some hoary chestnut set a long time ago in an idyllic place that never really existed outside of Glenn Beck's whitebread fantasies.

He and one of his radio lackeys talked about it when it came out, so I'm going to go semi-FJM on them. Join me, won't you?

GLENN: Yes, it's Indoctrination Tuesday where we can indoctrinate...actually this is more like a vaccine. That's what this show is. More of a vaccine so you are not indoctrinated.

A vaccine against what? Truth? Reason? Basic human compassion? Thanks, Glenn, you fucking stain with a voice.

PAT: It's a little bit of an indoctrination so that you've got that indoctrination in your system, you can find out the other indoctrination.

Thanks for the clarification, Glenn Beck's hired toady. Don't you have some coffee to fetch, piss boy?

GLENN: It's actually, it's out in bookstores today. It's a brand new book, The Christmas Sweater. It is the picture book for kids.

"If there's a dollar out there I can get my greasy cock-grabbers on, it's as good as mine."

PAT: The illustration is unbelievable. Absolutely world class.

Now I'm pretty sure Pat has a house full of Thomas Kinkade paintings.

GLENN: It is really really great. It kind of reminds me of my childhood in the 1960s and the 1970s.

"There was this gimpy cripple kid named Stevie. One time I pushed him down a flight of steps at school. Little bastard crapped his pants. Oh, the memories."

Pat: Yeah.

Way to contribute, Pat.

GLENN: And it's just a great story. It is the story of the Christmas Sweater without all the really freaky sad parts.

Wait, there were "freaky sad parts" in the original novel? Did they involve a terminally ill mime who likes yogurt up his ass? Because that would be freaky AND sad.

GLENN: And it's a story about how kids don't always get what they want for Christmas.

Like the kid who wants his sick mother to be able to afford the medicine that keeps her alive. Oh, that's probably a bad example, huh Glenn?

Glenn: Indoctrinate your kids from an early, early age on the real meaning of Christmas. It ain't the toys, it ain't the stuff. It is the magic and the love of the holiday season.

"Am I giving my magical book away for free? Fuck and No."

PAT: And this way you don't need a needle and you don't need to shoot anything up their nose.

Finally, Pat starts earning his right-wing radio keep by saying something retarded!

Look for other right-wing Christmas books this holiday season, including:

Rudolph the Supply-Side Reindeer

Frosty the Snowman Presents Global Warming, My Ass!

Santa Claus Smites All the Gays

Rush Limbaugh's Exclusively White Christmas

Things I've learned from movies

2009-11-09T15:55:00.001-05:00

You can learn things from watching movies; at least that's the premise of this lame blog post. Here are some things I've learned. You know, from watching movies.

American Beauty

If you ever spurn the until recently repressed homosexual advances of a homicidally violent ex-Marine, it's a good idea to lock your doors.

The Godfather

Go ahead and kill a prostitute; it'll be as if she never existed.

Pretty Woman

If you kill a prostitute, you'll have to answer to Hector Elzondo and the staff of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel!

Independence Day

Bill Pullman sucks.

She's All That

The only things separating the school outcast from the prom queen are a pair of contacts and a makeover from Anna Paquin.

The Phantom Menace

For this film to have been made, there is obviously no God.

The Last Kiss

Zack Braff really really sucks, as in "Makes Bill Pullman look like Deniro in his prime" sucks.

Rain Man

It's very entertaining to watch an actor play a character of limited intelligence. And Dustin Hoffman was good, too.

Return of the Jedi

As long as you do ONE good thing right before you die, your years of genocidal warmongering will be forgiven.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Nazis are lousy shots.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Chicago-area principals have way too much free time. And are later arrested for collecting child pornography.

Regarding Henry

If you're a cold-hearted, ruthless, unethical lawyer, getting shot in the head will be the best thing that ever happens to you. The bullet will blow that douchiness right out of your frontal lobes, making you everyone's favorite slow-witted sweetheart.

Batman and Robin

Joel Schumaker shouldn't be allowed to direct tampon commercials, let alone Hollywood blockbusters.

Paul Blart, Mall Cop

Never saw it, but seriously...fuck this movie. If you want to see a fat guy run around aimlessly you can watch me play pick-up basketball. And I won't charge you ten bucks for the privilege.

Twilight

Once again, never saw it, but I have a question: Why would a vampire be interested in a girl who looks like she doesn't have any blood in her veins?

Dirty Dancing

If you're a working class guy trying to bang a rich girl, everyone will be too distracted by the class differences to notice that she's seventeen and you're in your mid-thirties.

Most porn movies

Pizza delivery guys get a lot of tail.

Kiss my ass, Project Brightside

2009-11-06T00:18:00.000-05:00

On the way to work, as I turn onto Hurstbourne Lane, the traffic epicenter of Louisville, I notice that a group called Project Brightside has planted some flowers in the grassy median that separates the people sitting in northbound gridlock from the people sitting in southbound gridlock.

As I'm surrounded by soulless suburban sprawl, my lungs filling with poisonous carbon emissions as I slowly trudge toward a job that saps my will to live on a daily basis, thank God for Project Brightside and their precious fucking flowers.

Aneurysm Fuel

2009-11-03T11:20:00.000-05:00

Comedian Lewis Black has a theory as to why people have aneurysms. According to him, a person will hear something so stupid and confusing it will just sit in the brain until it explodes.

Years ago, he was at an International House of Pancakes when he overheard the sentence, "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

That still remains the sentence to beat, despite a few contenders to which I've been exposed.

Years ago when I worked at Organized Living, a man who looked and talked like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons asked me "Do you have a container to house my rather large collection of sombreros?"

If you have more than one sombrero and aren't in a mariachi band, your head needs to be on a spike, on display in a public square so it can be mocked and desecrated by drunken town folk.

More recently, I was at a local record store when I overheard a man ask an employee, "Do you have any circus music?"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY CIRCUS MUSIC?" It bounced around my skull like a pinball (Kids, pinballs used to be in things called pinball machines, which used to be in places called arcades. Look it up).

Why oh why did this grown man need circus music? Does he plan on raping a clown? Who knows what perversions brought him to such a lowly state.

Still, neither of those inquiries can hold a candle to Lewis Black's "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." The randomness of it is just priceless. It's dumb to ask for a sombrero container, but at least Organized Living was a store that sold containers. And at least that guy didn't ask for circus music at a taxidermy.

P.S. - I just remembered another one. I was at a mall one holiday season and a woman walked by practically screaming into her cell phone, as people are wont to do, and I overheard "So I told Reverend Johnson to quit running his cock-biters."

She told her minister to stop "running his cock-biters." In all fairness to her, maybe his cock-biters were running amok.

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T00:50:00.002-04:00

Last Friday I was hanging out with a friend and we had the following conversation:

me: "Looks like 'slut' and 'douchebag' are really popular costumes this Halloween."

friend: "Uh...Halloween's not until next weekend."

me: "Oh, right. I'm just out in public. My bad."

TV Shows I Watch

2009-10-29T11:14:00.000-04:00

I have the TV on a lot while I'm home, but it's usually a live sporting event or a Jessica Alba movie with the sound turned off. When I do actually pay attention to a scripted show, it's usually one of these:

Mad Men

Don Draper is awesome, except for the whole "living a second life to escape his tragic white trash beginnings" thing. Oh, and the "cheating on his hot wife" thing is terrible, but it's the early 60s and he's handsome and successful; what did you expect?

Despite his flaws, I really admire the way he dismisses the toadies and fools at his office. He does it without swearing or even raising his voice. He sits at his desk smoking a cigarette and drinking a martini in the middle of the day and verbally eviscerates people who richly deserve it. In other words, he has the best job ever.

And Joan. That is all.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

So many wrong but hilarious moments. Just watch this show. One of my favorite exchanges:

Frank (Danny Devito): I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Curb Your Enthusiasm

If Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld are the Lennon-McCartney of comedy, it's becoming pretty clear that Larry David is Lennon; minus getting shot in the face by a crazy guy, of course. I fully expect Seinfeld to descend further into mediocrity before marrying a one-legged gold digger.

30 Rock

A show loosely based on Saturday Night Live is funnier than SNL has been in years. Tracy Morgan is probably legitimately crazy, so they just let him be himself. Brilliant.

Big Love

It seems like forever since the last season of Big Love, but that's the way it goes over at HBO.

I've always gone against the belief that you have to have a likable character to enjoy a TV show or movie. There really isn't anyone to pull for on this show. Bill, the main character, is a manipulative hypocrite who uses his arcane religious "beliefs" so he can keep getting younger and younger wives. Really, that's what polygamy is all about. But the show is just fascinating. I can't stop watching it.

And that's about it. I still watch Family Guy, but you already knew that. And I watch The Office, but mainly the reruns on TBS. Everything else is just reality shows, scripted retardation, and Jay Fucking Leno.

So help me out here. Are there any other shows I should be watching? Please don't suggest sci-fi shows, reality TV, or Lost.

It should have been you, Spade. It should have been you.

2009-10-27T01:04:00.001-04:00

There's a new commercial for Direct TV staring the late Chris Farley and his alleged best friend, David Spade. It features old footage of Farley from the film Tommy Boy. He does his "fat guy in a little coat" routine as Spade shills for satellite television, saying "I could be at home watching Direct TV. Instead (points in the direction of his dead best friend), I'm stuck with that." He also calls the late comedian "tons of fun", because that's how loathsome vultures treat their deceased pals.

Way to go Spade, you corpse-raping midget. I know Chris Farley died a long time ago, and I don't expect David Spade to be in a constant state of mourning; but for fuck's sake, is he so bereft of options to continue the shit stain that passes as his career he has to posthumously insult Farley for a quick payday?

Yes, Chris Farley ate, drank, and drugged his way to an early grave. I'm not suggesting he was a hero or should even be an object of your pity. But he was sometimes funny, which is more than that smarmy fuck David Spade can claim. To this day, despite years of appearances in unfunny movies and TV series, David Spade is still primarily known as Chris Farley's smartass sidekick.

Every day David Spade wakes up and doesn't have to go down to a bus station and blow strangers for cash, he should thank God he met and befriended Chris Farley. He should also have the humility to realize that he only gets to fuck hot twentysomething girls because he's a pseudo-celebrity and they have low self-esteem, but that's for another post.

Whenever I think about Phil Hartman and Chris Farley being dead while David Spade lives, it makes me want to toss a dwarf through a plate glass window.

Yeah, so I yelled at a debt collector...

2009-10-25T15:13:00.002-04:00

I only had an hour to go on my shift at work yesterday when the "night shift" cashiers started coming in. One young lady had just clocked in when she received a phone call. It was a debt collector, violating every law on Earth by calling her at her job, and this asshole threatened and berated her until she started sobbing. Not crying, SOBBING. She was so upset that she asked if she could go home.

This lady is a person who cries at the drop of a hat, but she shows up on time, does her job, and doesn't fucking sass-talk me, so she's a valuable employee; and I'll be ass-raped if I'm going to let some bottom-feeding piece of human garbage fuck with her.

Luckily, she had written down the number and extension so she could call him back and continue to be harangued at a later time. I went into the back office, closed the door, and called the number myself.

Me: Did you just call here and talk to (name withheld)?

Vulture: Yes, she has an outstanding debt...

Me (interrupting): Well, this is a place of business and we don't give a fuck about her outstanding debt.

Vulture (dripping with condescension): And who are you?

Me: WHO AM I? I'M THE FUCKING ANTI-CHRIST, MOTHERFUCKER! IF YOU EVER - EVER!!!! - CALL MY EMPLOYEE HERE AGAIN I'LL RIP THE PHONE FROM HER HAND AND SET OFF AN AIR-RAID SIREN INTO THE RECEIVER THAT WILL FUCKING DEAFEN YOU!! YOU'LL NEVER HEAR OUT OF THAT EAR FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE. ARE WE CLEAR?

Vulture: Well, blahblahblah...

Me: Good day, sir.

Vulture: Blahblahblahblah....

Me: I SAID 'GOOD DAY'! (With that I slammed down the phone)

I've always wanted to end a conversation like that! I had to stifle laughter the whole time.

And anyone who is thinking "He was just doing his job", well fuck that. His job sucks and he's a cold blooded scavenger of human misery. I hope his herpes gets Aids.

Life in Kentucky: My Senators Support Gang Rape

2009-10-22T12:35:00.005-04:00

This is at least a week old, but I haven't been very busy, so I have no excuse and I'm just rambling right now...

Anyway, last week Senator Al Franken proposed an amendment that would prohibit the United States from doing business with defense contractors who won't let their employees pursue criminal complaints in a court of law. This stems from an incident in which a Halliburton employee was drugged and gang raped by fellow employees, but the victim was told to settle the dispute through arbitration.

The amendment does not seek to end arbitration as a means to settle company disputes such as pay raises, vacation time, etc; but gang rape? Shouldn't that be settled in a court of law?

30 Republican senators don't think so. They voted against the amendment. And of course, Mitch McConnell and Jim Bunning, those two mental and ethical heavyweights who represent my home state in the Senate, were among the 30. God damn it.

Do I really think these men are pro-gang rape, like they're advocates of it or something? Well, I've heard Saxby Chambliss owns a yacht christened "Hooray for Gang Rape", but the rest of them probably aren't pro-gang rape. They are, however, ludicrously pro-Halliburton to the exclusion of common sense and victims rights. Since Halliburton has been figuratively raping taxpayers for years, they reason, why quibble over one literal rape? Justice should never be allowed to fuck with Halliburton's profit margin. That's solid senatorin' right there.

Jim Bunning is quite obviously senile, so I'm willing to overlook his vote. He probably had no idea what was said or what he was voting on; or else he sent an aide to cast the vote, and the aide hates Al Franken because years ago he saw that awful Stuart Smalley movie on a first date and the girl never talked to him again. That movie might be a reason a lot of senators voted "no", but hatred of Al Franken is no excuse to not protect innocent victims.

Do I need a better job to have an opinion?

2009-10-19T11:48:00.003-04:00

About three and a half years ago I was at a restaurant in Las Vegas enjoying dinner with a group of people. When talk turned to the various mega construction projects going up on and around the Strip, I made a simple observation:

"There's no way all of these projects are going to be built. There's only so much growth one city can handle before it reaches a saturation point."

At the time, I worked as a vendor at Home Depot stores. One of the people at the table, some typical arrogant douchebag, believed that invalidated my opinion.

"Yeah, maybe they should just build a Home Depot on the Strip," he said. Heh. Funny line.

Well, never mind that I WAS RIGHT, that several of those projects were never even started, and even more were delayed or drastically downscaled; that isn't the point. I'm certainly no economic mastermind, but I am sometimes capable of common sense, which is all it took to realize the building frenzy couldn't last forever.

The fucking point was and still is that despite my lowly lot in life, I have a right to engage in conversation without having my job thrown back in my face whenever someone doesn't have a counterpoint or simply doesn't want to listen to me.

I was reminded of this unfortunate incident by something that happened today. Yeah, I'm sure it was a joke and I'm being sensitive blah blah blah, but it really pissed me off.

Quite simply, if anyone has a problem with what I do for a living, they can straight up go fuck themselves. That is all.